Saturday, January 30, 2010

new beginnings

new years excite me . like clean slates - a new year , to me , feels like a new beginning , things that disappointed you go right out of the window , you think of all the things that you want to do to and actually you do start some of those .
my new year beginnings are very usual - i wish to be a greater success than my previous self , i wish to do more stuff than i did last year , cut down on the slacking and start the year with a revised personality .

a funny thing happened to me yesterday - this guy (and mind you , a nice guy not a jerk) told me very mattter of factly that he would never date a fat girl - a part of me was angry , a smaller part a little upset and the sad insecure part of me needed calming dowm (thanks udita , ritu , furru , shilangi ). the thing is - i did not think that the guy is a jerk , infact i still like him as much as i did before he made this "sized" comment .

so i got to thinking - does size really matter ? can a fat person never hope to make it with someone not really their size? Will we continue to build relationships in a way that our children continue to live with 100 % chances of inherited obesity ?

The fact is - somewhere a fat person would never really want to date a person who is not fat - atleast being a member of the "fat" club i can say so - the insecurity kills you - and no matter what you say the fact remains - EVERY FAT PERSON WANTS TO LOSE WEIGHT , WE MAY JUST NOT WANT IT BAD ENOUGH ! Hence , every fat person is insecure with there weight - some just know how to fake it better.

so do we really question the sentiment that "BIG GIRL , YOU INDEED ARE BEAUTIFUL?? " does weight define beauty or the lack of it ? how many times would the big girl let her friends convince her that she is NOT FAT but HEALTHY !! (THE HEAAALTHY FIGURE CONCEPT CIRCULATES INDIAN SOCIETY VERY FREELY).do we really like being reduced to living life king size ? are we as a cult as pathetic as we have been pictured ? and indeed (as said in the "drink beer "song)DOES NOBODY WANT TO DATE A FAT PERSON ?
will we be reduced to pot bellied men ? and are we ourselves making fun of our size when we term sad pot bellied men as pot bellied ?

my mother (a poor woman who had the misfortune of having a kid battling obesity most of her life ..) used to say - it is a sin to eat another man's share , there are people dying for lack of food . but when her gold and diamonds were excluded from the purview - why does my food fail ethical considerations?

as i started with the new year - i must tell you , i am indeed trying yet again to forget the failed attempts at joining exalted women with thinner waists (who lie on your date list aamodh :P) - it is another few weeks/ days/ hours of trying to drink the unthinkable stuff and starve - it will be a few more days of trying my hand at physical exercise -- but i know one day, someday - it would be the other way around , when fat would sizzle in a more glamorous way - with my luck , i might just have lost it by then ...till then , keeping myslef away from men all together -- i exist in a famished world .

Monday, January 25, 2010


i have been comtemplating to start writing never happens unles im back home .
today was my nanji,s tervi (for those who dont know about it , its the purification ceremony performed after thirteen days of sumones death..its a huge religious ceremony in brahmins ) . im shocked by how little i felt for the death of my dearest grandparent - he had been ill, i thought , he was old , i reasoned , its natural , death is routine - a very ill 82 year old man died today , younger people keep dying everyday --still the old man meant a lot to me . i was his favourite grandchild , he made me the focus of his life - little games we use to play , he taught me the "manly" way to ride a "gent's cycle", everytime he came home to see us , my name was the doorbell for him - yet today when he is no longer there , i feel so devoid of sadness , so empty of grief -- did i really grow up so soon ? have i really made myself the way i am today -- unfeeling , if to an extent . DO I REALLY WANT TO BE HELD BY PRACTICALITY TO THIS EXTENT ??

a couple of days before my grandfather's death , my mum had met with an accident - by the time i got to her , i was sure she escaped the incident quite unscathed - yet ,i could'nt squeeze a tear - i felt i should have shown more emmotion - i did what i was supposed to do , took charge of household stuff for a couple of days , took care of my mum and sorted life out for the family - easing out the glitch which seemed to have come in our routine lives.

what do i account this change in myself for ? and moreover , am i really proud of this change in me ? has independence and developing a thinking process made me unemmotional ? does looking out for myself , myself come with an emmotional price ? is this new found freedom taking its toll on my more effiminate sensibilities ?

some very wise woman said - that a good cry can cure many a female heartburn - does my in control self destruct my more feeling side ? or have i just found a way to feel more deeply without letting my tear glands undo the emmotional damage ?

im rambling ..... but maybe this is where those early heart attacks start .

longing to feel more --------