i have been comtemplating to start writing again...it never happens unles im back home .
today was my nanji,s tervi (for those who dont know about it , its the purification ceremony performed after thirteen days of sumones death..its a huge religious ceremony in brahmins ) . im shocked by how little i felt for the death of my dearest grandparent - he had been ill, i thought , he was old , i reasoned , its natural , death is routine - a very ill 82 year old man died today , younger people keep dying everyday --still the old man meant a lot to me . i was his favourite grandchild , he made me the focus of his life - little games we use to play , he taught me the "manly" way to ride a "gent's cycle", everytime he came home to see us , my name was the doorbell for him - yet today when he is no longer there , i feel so devoid of sadness , so empty of grief -- did i really grow up so soon ? have i really made myself the way i am today -- unfeeling , if to an extent . DO I REALLY WANT TO BE HELD BY PRACTICALITY TO THIS EXTENT ??
a couple of days before my grandfather's death , my mum had met with an accident - by the time i got to her , i was sure she escaped the incident quite unscathed - yet ,i could'nt squeeze a tear - i felt i should have shown more emmotion - i did what i was supposed to do , took charge of household stuff for a couple of days , took care of my mum and sorted life out for the family - easing out the glitch which seemed to have come in our routine lives.
what do i account this change in myself for ? and moreover , am i really proud of this change in me ? has independence and developing a thinking process made me unemmotional ? does looking out for myself , myself come with an emmotional price ? is this new found freedom taking its toll on my more effiminate sensibilities ?
some very wise woman said - that a good cry can cure many a female heartburn - does my in control self destruct my more feeling side ? or have i just found a way to feel more deeply without letting my tear glands undo the emmotional damage ?
im rambling ..... but maybe this is where those early heart attacks start .
longing to feel more --------