Monday, January 25, 2010


i have been comtemplating to start writing never happens unles im back home .
today was my nanji,s tervi (for those who dont know about it , its the purification ceremony performed after thirteen days of sumones death..its a huge religious ceremony in brahmins ) . im shocked by how little i felt for the death of my dearest grandparent - he had been ill, i thought , he was old , i reasoned , its natural , death is routine - a very ill 82 year old man died today , younger people keep dying everyday --still the old man meant a lot to me . i was his favourite grandchild , he made me the focus of his life - little games we use to play , he taught me the "manly" way to ride a "gent's cycle", everytime he came home to see us , my name was the doorbell for him - yet today when he is no longer there , i feel so devoid of sadness , so empty of grief -- did i really grow up so soon ? have i really made myself the way i am today -- unfeeling , if to an extent . DO I REALLY WANT TO BE HELD BY PRACTICALITY TO THIS EXTENT ??

a couple of days before my grandfather's death , my mum had met with an accident - by the time i got to her , i was sure she escaped the incident quite unscathed - yet ,i could'nt squeeze a tear - i felt i should have shown more emmotion - i did what i was supposed to do , took charge of household stuff for a couple of days , took care of my mum and sorted life out for the family - easing out the glitch which seemed to have come in our routine lives.

what do i account this change in myself for ? and moreover , am i really proud of this change in me ? has independence and developing a thinking process made me unemmotional ? does looking out for myself , myself come with an emmotional price ? is this new found freedom taking its toll on my more effiminate sensibilities ?

some very wise woman said - that a good cry can cure many a female heartburn - does my in control self destruct my more feeling side ? or have i just found a way to feel more deeply without letting my tear glands undo the emmotional damage ?

im rambling ..... but maybe this is where those early heart attacks start .

longing to feel more --------


Anonymous said...

Nice to see that you are actually bothered by this but dont blame yourself it's not the practicality which is taking a's your occupancy ..we live in a cynical, we live in a world full of competition, we are victims of lust...only fear me fear the most is losing someone when he need that someone the most. It takes time for a tragedy to develop and humans are ungrateful and selfish. But someone people do bring change in them and it starts with the questions like you have put up...
but are you ready? to change yourself! it has a price giving up on in the ceremony today itself.. ppl were discussing your career plans .. start preparing for IAS but for whom...everyone will die and the only mark you can leave is not your bank account...the only mark you can leave is a life! you can bring into existence a change you can lead..but it has its price ...and you will be tested..immateriality is not the invention of civilization for our self improvement is rather a device for self destruction..and practicality is a mere deception.


thnx maddy !! i love u brother ..and u r right ,it was nauseating ....

Bejin Hakumei said...

Get started now.