Tuesday, December 14, 2010


i look at myself - from the outside almost , it seems.
i find flaws - many of them. infact, hardly anything i see is right. i give up on myself so many times. i dont know what keeps me going. i dont even know wether i want to keep going.

then there is a puff of smoke - and i no longer see myself. things become blurry -- the clarity becomes tinged with imperfection. i no longer see the harsh lines  that i had disliked -- everything becomes matted, with grease , flith almost. but i seem prettier, less imperfect to myself. my vision is flawed - for it can no longer see the reality. it can no longer distinguish the right shape and the right size -  i start appropriating what could be , with what i can see. i bloom ..while i appropriate - into a fuller, better, happier person.

is that why i pick the pastels when i look at colours ? is that why i detest sharp angles and lines ?

do we all just simply need a curve -- not to live straight honest rigid lives, but a simple honest accepting one ? one where, we can no longer see quite clearly, but imagine things to be what they can be ?

its a question - a soft hushed murmur almost - its a lie - its deception -- but , it promotes inception... of an idea of what i might just be. and someting so fecund , can never be wrong. can never be a lie.can never be ugly.
it must be beautiful - i dont really know, but i imagine it to be.

Monday, December 6, 2010

and it never made sense...

"so how do you expect me , to live alone with just me ?"

i remember reading it on someone's blog - "if i could be anything , i would love to be a brilliant idea " - i was so captivated by the thought , before my mind got occupied with other lesser things.....

so how would it be , if i could actually be one amazing idea ??

wonderful i think

"an idea , can change your life " (98, a a , 431 , 25 ) -- as i mentally hum the idea advertisement jingle , i think about AN IDEA.

it does'nt strike - my mind does not light up , i do not flex my fingers , forcing my face into a jubiliant expression ....... i love to read what other people write on their blogs - if they are very brilliant , i am very awed , but unfortunately due to certain personal drawbacks , i spiral into my idealess existence - how i never come up with anything remotely brilliant , how i am sure , i never inspire any stroke of brilliance.

when it gets too much , and there is quiet all around , i come here and i try to write - about something that would inspire someone , something that is perfect and beautiful ...... i never succeed.

the blog new post page takes years to open , i start getting impatient - i destroy the quiet by plugging my earphones , and open a new word document --- somehow, i dont like writing on the word document , this sanctioned writing space, which has several options to facilitate my writing , takes away from the brilliance , the beauty of writing --- and beauty is what i seek.

aah-- the blogger opened at last - i hastily copy paste what i have written till now , and i dont read through it again , because it never makes the same sense it made two seconds ago.....

i am listening to a stupid song -- i want to remember what prompted me to download it ...i start enjoying its inane poppy beats.... aah , thats why .

what was i talking about ? oh , being an idea - but , ideas never happen to me , ideas never inspire me - apart from those fleeting moments when they blind me.

sometimes , i want to stop thinking about myself , as a person - and think of myself as a self-existing spark of brilliance..... i burn brighter than a firefly - i burn , and i burn brighter, and this burning is the creative fire that purges and excites me....

fire burning .... fire burning..... destroyed the potential of the fire.

no i cannot exist as a burning spark of brilliance - says my head , as it shakes a little to a stupid song - and talks about calling 911.

if only, i could stick to one idea, then i guess i could be inspired.

somehow , even though what i write may never inspire anyone , as others inspire me , it may not be read with the earnest devotion i read brilliance , it may never even be enjoyable -- the process of coming up with it , has made me happier - has made me , ABOVE AVERAGE.

just then , a nice song starts on my phone -- and my mind , feels intellectual at liking the nice song , for it is another one of those things that make it feel brilliant.

idea or not -- stupid lyrics of crooner stuff -- i LIKE MYSELF :))

with this comforting thought , i will press send. even , if everybody else , refuses to like me.

Thursday, December 2, 2010


i shal whine today , the way i always do - the way i guess i was meant to be , to whine and moan and cry---

 sometimes , things in life are going so wrong that you just dont know how to set them straight - you feel so powerless in stopping them - and you are constantly aware of how little and small your problems are , yet , they engulf you in misery -- what do i do ? why cant , i set them straight ? and if i cant set them straight why am i involved ??

"nothing seems to fit , those , raindrops keep falling on my head ......."