Friday, January 14, 2011

for mothers .....

Dear Mom ,

i can see myself going away - and i can see that i am not stopping. mom , i am being moulded into what i am not , and this new form of me , is not letting me even realize that there is a change. every day that passes , every sleep that i sleep , i feel the niceness , the goodness running out of me. as i try and embibe all that this world has to offer , i feel all that i already knew is being forgotten.

mom , you remember how we used to be so close, when we could talk just about anything and i could tell you that i did not want to talk to you about something i now just look at you as someone distant even scared of talking to me. and it is getting to me.

dear mom, i want to tell you today that there are flashes when in this culturally rich world of mine , that i remember my old self. i try to explain myself that there is no right or wrong , no good or bad, but i dont think i believe that kind of bullshit.

mom, people are so funny, and so wired (and just about as weird ) that i can never place them - i think, i dont even want to place them, unless their placement comes and glares at me.

mom, i love you so much, i know i do - but i think, i dont feel it enough these days.

why are you so scared of me mother ? scared of knowing your own begotten child ? scared of just what i might say to hurt u or anger you ? how can you feel so much disrespect for your own creation ? how can two years of being away from you destroy what you taught me to be in so many ways ?

i just want to be happy mother , i just want to feel loved and i just want to know that i love back those who love me. why cant i feel the love ma ? why ?

and these things are stupid as i write them, for i know i will feel better soon , only to have this feeling make me feel worse again. the cycle never ends ma , it never stops , it wages on.

dear ma , i want to believe that those who love me, love me for the person i am , but when i no longer am the person i used to be, doesnt all that love just die ? or even if it does exist , has'nt it all just become wrong and falsified ?

it is making me cry mother , that no one any longer gets me - the moment i get those two minutes of peace , i am distraught for the mind numbing noise that life is . these vacant spaces of hollow empty nothingness and serenity trouble me more that those nerve-wracking days of hard work and foolish regret.

i think, i know too many words now ma, and spelling out the things i think i think makes it all worse. this is not happy talk , and i am not proud of it, but ma , i desperately wait for the day to come when i can again be happy with just the person i am --

i love you ma , if someday i tell you i dont, please dont believe it. i dont know why i can no longer talk to you , have you changed or have i ? it does'nt matter, for life is too full of change ,and your love is going to be my one constant - even , if it is falsified by the person i am, even if your labels mark me wrong , a wrong which i dont understand.

i feel , that everything is changing, and its changing into things my earlier self did not "approve of" - i want to live this life of words ma, they give me proof and creation when nothing seems right , and everything seems absurd and foolish.

ma, you must always love me - even when i dont know what love means, and when i dont care for your love , for i feel this is a dark place and i need the constance of ur love to help me through this transcience . ma , i promise to be nicer to my daughter, if i cant be that nice to you - i promise to love her as you love me - that is the only return i can promise , for i know i am rebelling , for i know im putting a distance between you and me - its life ma , al the things you wanted from me and all the things i wanted from me, are taking me away from the girl you knew , the girl i knew - god knows, if this new me will be easier for you to love or not, i hope she is. you musn't regret the fact that you fell in love with me - you musn't destroy my one constant , one of your constants.

dear ma , its dark now - its all very dark now - i dont know whether it is good or evil - i dont know how im going to get out of here , or even if i want to get out of here - but every time i feel i need to do something , i will think of your love, and you must promise me - that you love me - and you will love me.

with all the sincerity of an ever unsure and changing person

your daughter.



1 comment:

Arushi said...

Your posts always touch me, Devika.
I guess everyones has faced this dilemma at least once in their lifetime.
It's a lovely post. But I won't comment further, because I'm not really sure of where exactly you've directed it.
Love and hugs, Devika. :)