Thursday, March 3, 2011

Nothing else Matters .....

If there was one thing he regretted, it was not having died for love ….. – Love in the time of Cholera

When does love become apologetic ? When do you have to do things so as not to harm the balance of an old love ? What are the formalities that you have written in your book for our love now dead, but still burning , still breathing when memories take control , when there is silence, when there is darkness ? When do you think of me – without regretting the things that you did, or the things I did not ?

I saw you there today – as I slept , fitfully , waking at every sound in my room. It was not a good sleep – it was troubled , and in that troubled sleep I met you. I don’t know if it was troubled because I met you or it was my demons , rushing in , filling my ears with noises I could not comprehend. You stood there – not a day older than you were some years ago when I first met you. All you failings have been dimmed by time. You are perfect , in that troubled oasis of my mind. I see you , not looking at me . that was when I woke up , for you were always looking at me , when you were the age you were in my dream.

I have been reading about love, and I have been wondering , why it never happened for you and me. And what happened for us ? where did it go , and why did it destroy itself ? and if it is completely gone then why do you still exist in my life, not as you were a few years ago ? why do you smile your half smiles, and why do I look away when you try to talk ? what are we thinking as we try to grip each other existing as we were in the present ?

I don’t like the present – much as I disdain the future. The past is mocking me , yet , the fact that we will never live down it seems to hold me , not steady , not cast ashore yet in this swirling sea of dreams. Turbulent dreams.

Do you dream of me still ? do I look as I looked a few years ago ? is that comforting ? does it bother you that I have changed, worse than change could have changed me ?

I want to hold onto something – the past and its memories slip past me, for I am older, and more skeptical . but one thing I know for sure – I almost died for love. A love that will never exist. A love that never existed at all. Yet I died for it , and you saved me. Death happened.i moved on. And so did you.

But even then – even after death , you are just as old as you were – a few years ago, before you saved me in my head. And now I know the trouble was’nt you – it was me. It was me knowing that I will die, and you , in all our miserable unfortunateness will save me.

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