Saturday, April 30, 2011

 There is nothing like knowing that the person you think is going to be the most awesome thing that ever struck this planet - is felt of the same way by her folks as you are by your unfortunate ones .

The only thing awesome-er is , when she thinks your the jazz .

yes that is a term - and i am going all the mile davis way. i dont mind :))

i have a new follower - in all probability , it is a friend , but if it is indeed someone new thank you :))
yes, my internet browser refuses to show me the new follower hence :|

Friday, April 29, 2011

she may be all that i need , in darkness , she is all i see <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 '
if i could be one tenth as beautiful as her , i am going to be one of the prettiest things that ever strutted this planet !

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

That may be all I need

In darkness she is all I see

Come and rest your bones with me

Driving slow on sunday morning

And I never want to leave

I love the 60s - i mean , there people said things like - 'perhaps you'll fall for me the way i fell for you '
with sincerity even !!

i promise - in another two months , when i actually have time and concentration - i am doing a super awesome list on 60s music - atleast the music that i like

and its going to be awesome !

Tuesday, April 26, 2011


She was one of those people who always really looked at things - one of those people whom you would instinctively think of everytime you saw Amelie - minus ofcourse , Amelie's zest for life , replace that with a deep disgust for what the avante garde artists call Expression! Oh, and no exclamations , everything became a monotone , and everything became a brown or a yellow with her - my very limited knowledge of autistic people (derived unfortunately solely from Mark Haddon's: Curious Incident of the dog in the Night time and sadly , My name is Khan) would repel them from the very yellow , very jaundicey person i talk about now.

Despite all that - she had an amazing eye. Now i never really undersood the term - "a brilliant eye" before I met her, but she - she had a gift ! or curse . God and only her tormented would know which. She could sense differenced in the pitch of someone's voice and figure out their  secrets , their deceit , she could see past my control top panties , and mark the flab everywhere ; the dark circles , the wrinkles, all physical vulnerabilities would meet harsh recognition and severe judgement in her eye's - and boy, did she voice that judgement.

That is why, sometimes, when I meet her - i temporarily hope for partial blindness for this person. but then i remember those lengthy lessons on Homer , where technically , you are blessed with a greater , deeper Insight if you were to chance upon blindness . the very thought of her gaining insight , scares me shitless and as i put laxatives into my mouth , i pray for her to hold onto that dispelling power people have come to hate.  She is like that one instance of obnoxious you remember from the bus , or the train - it loses its physical characteristics but the incident is etxhed as a painful memory to be regailed to children, grandchildren , and people to be modelled in general warning them against the extravagances of free speech . infact, i think , she was definitely put up on the internet once, to be popularised by an ambitious conservative boy who wanted to use her as an example to demonstrate how public speaking is not only hurtful but detrimental to the greater causes of the state. It did not pick up - i think , she did post a comment there . the internet legend says , that such was the scathing intensity of that comment , that the boy was never seen on the internet again as himself , and gave up that particular net identity forever.


No matter, how many times I try to tell her , people are more than their failings , she continues to judge the ever faltering pitch of my voice, mentally calculating my present cigarette consumption , and the precise amount of times i would have had extra concentrated ice tea. She would then say that - "No wonder you look huge today,  you must remember, fat people die much faster than your average smokers. "

"Fuck sunshine !" she says - "It makes me see what is wrong with this world even more clearly." I wish I could say, she had abusivve parents , or was insecure , or better had been molested in childhood - but , no she was an average person , blessed with this gift of seething capriciousness .

Sometimes, I could lure her to quieter places, and i was happy enough to bear with hearing my faults and my faults alone .I was always trying to impress upon her the great pain her gift was to the world, trying to make her my "reform project' , my psychology honours friend was always telling me about .
"Its like a burnt ring , right outside the blackest part of my eye. The best thing about seeing the shit that people really are ? They never , ever get borinng , never get uniteresting - there is a realm of possibility, they get worse or they get better , but they never stay stagnant - there is almost that shell of uncreative lassitude that can be broken , and god it feels useful to be doing that !"

Yes , I have wondered , how are we even friends , but I guess, it is interesting to know all that is wrong with you and that you are allowed to get worse or better - it takes a huge amound of pressure off that unidimensional life, that growth and possibility is always  charted to be as .

hey mr rain , aint you following me down ?
I've been working baby oh so hard, staying up in sky
wont you follow me down ?
you know the best thing about maroon 5 songs ?

adam levine is always having sex with someone, making out with someone , or breaking up with someone - anyway, he always has the maximum coverage.

most of their songs are bull though :|

p.s. i am sorry , she will be loved :|
I am home :)) after a very long time , i am home for what counts as a decent time to be home - unfortunately this is the preparation leave :(

but anyway , moving on from that totally unconnected issue - I AM HOME !!

it feels so nice to actually use a keyboard again - like a proper monitor , keyboard , mouse , all joined by wires.
and the food - yummm !!!

just popped in here , to write as well , i slept way too much in the afternoon and there is no way i am going to be able to sleep before 4 -
i had been so good with my blog recently - even if they were all useless posts, i wa still posting stuff ..damn , i can never maintain a good habbit.

ADAM LEVINE is the hottest man i have ever seen , sing such high notes !!!
he is so hot - i am sure , he aces our throw your bra and panties at him in a concert list .
ok maybe he doesnt top it , but ill throw them anyway - even if i managed to lay my hands on VS i would still throw them on him to be dusted away by some poor old man with his broom - thats how how he is !

will spend my night , buffering all maroon 5 videos - :)) happy happy day :)

p.s. MIKE POSNER - is the latest addition to my wall of shame -  the wall being things i should not like (not the man , but the songs he sings)  but i like :|
the best of us have faults, who am i to complain ?

take care people - anyone who still reads this crap nyway.

 look for the girl with the broken smile , ask her ifshe wants to stay awhile ...

Monday, April 11, 2011

We are not Alone.

Some days, you are going to hate yourself. The food will taste worse than usual, all the songs on your phone will not be able to soothe you, you will not listen to a single one completely, you will hit the mute button on your phone for almost every caller, you are going to stay wide awake even though your eyes hurt. You will feel really alone – ALONE. And it will scare you – you will read older blog entries, and realize , pray to God fervently in fact, that Lord please tell me I have grown up , please tell me I am not as stupid and juvenile and naive as I used to be.

You want to distract yourself, you will inventory music , books , files on your computer, leaving things in the middle – you will try to understand why is it that you feel so alone today – words …you tell yourself I need words… you will read comforting things others told you were brilliant – there will be words, others words that you look for , while all the while holding onto their faces , their voices , the way they must have felt when they wrote those words, spoke those words – you are craving for the people, their words are the next best thing you have.

You will feel stupid, for all the times you thought you could be on your own, you are honestly hoping to meet someone online, but you realize, nobody is worth talking to – nobody is as alone as you are, and in their apparent smugness (of having company) they will only piss you off.

The air conditioning is a little too cold – you want to reach for your blanket, but you wont – you realize, it is probably your time of the month – isn’t it always your time of the month ? all year, all your life long?

You reach into that drawer which is the furthest from your bed and you will pull out something comforting – some food, something sweet, something you buy before you go broke , for you know you will feel like crap soon.

As you write all this , hoping somebody reads, though you know it doesn’t matter even if anyone does – you want to ask yourself , why the hell were you typing all the while in third person – not wanting to acknowledge that you are the one who is alone – you realize, everyone , somewhere, in their time of the long drawn months will feel like you.

Sad as though it is – this generalization of sorrow, this equalizing factor of common misery makes you happy.

You hit send – and I finally find a song , I don’t skip.In people , and their misery , their larger suffering , I survive, hoping someone feels as I feel – and gloating in the knowledge that a lot of people feel much worse than I do. In the long suffering WE , I exist.

p.s. this is depressing and makes me sound mean and horrible.
p.p.s the title is not wannabe-ish like everything else i just wrote - its the album name of one of my favourite breakin benjamin albums.
rooth ke humse kabhi , jab chale jaoge tum
ye na socha tha kabhi , itne yaad aaoge tum
 not the right song to listen to when you're low !

Friday, April 8, 2011


everybody loves scrubs - that is , everybody who enjoys great TV.

I finally finished watching the last episode of the eighth season - i had never seen the eighth season before, and i am just a tad bit sad , that its over - yes , i cannot stand to watch them just as professors or whatever they are turned into in the ninth season.

the fantasy where , izzy and sam announce to turk and JD that they are getting married brought tears to my eyes.

it would be brilliant , if my college friends could stick with me for the rest of my life the way these guys did. if only life was a sitcom.

hell, i have seen the best of friends drift apart on the stupidest things. but i have always tried to fight for a friendship - yes , i am one of those people who have a giant sized ego and who are crazy enough to sabotage their relationships , but i really , do go after those friends , that the heart yearns for when they are not around. if anyone knows about this , my blog does , so many times have i come here and ranted about various peer stuff, hoping that somebody is scamming , reading and clearing the air between us.

that day farnaaz and i were talking ,and we decided regardless of the religion issue , (she is a muslim, where i am a brahmin) our kids were getting married - if only to keep each other in our lives.

i love this show - and i really think , its one of the most original things ever put up on tv and definitely one of the funniest.

i am going to miss you scrubs - specially you JD :))

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Crooked Letters and Jumbled Words

Theres this thing i do - I never somehow , reread my work to check if there were errors. It seems unnatural , like a thought process that you are denying its birth , its originality, forcing it to re-live , to exist as per a later nerve impulse.

Needless to say, my blog posts are then , badly written, barely even making sense sometimes, and often , when i feel like reading them out to my long suffering room mate, I find myself changing words, or haltingly trying to convey that brilliant spark of my mind , that i scribbled onto the web last midnight while she tried to sleep.

I always plan to edit the post then, but even if i can convince mysef to do it , it seems like cheating , like doing over your life. And do-overs , are never positive, they are horrible messy things , that all of us want but never get.

I guess, this may seem like a sorry excuse to those who , by unhappy chances and habbits  read my blog (and i am very amazed at who does, because the page hits tell me , that some people , atleast do read this blog) for going through messy spellings and incoherent words and thoughts strung together , but somehow , it is so me , so even though , sanjukta i have never met you - you know me , so much more , because you have gone through this crap , though it doesnt make sense most of the time - i DONT make sense most of the time, and i refuse to live through a do-over.

P.S. this is a weird post - weird in the sheer banality of it. It still seems sincere somehow.

Monday, April 4, 2011


you never stayed ... you never came , whenever i waited. I wanted to tell myself, it was'nt fair , it was'nt right that whenever I was up waiting for you , you refused to ring the bell, refused to call. Whenever i wanted to talk , you pretended you had a cold , bad reception , low battery or were just unavailable.

I want to ask you today, why do you always leave just before i arrive ? Where do you go off to while  I am waiting for you ?

Why do we never meet ? on diverging roads, intermingling , intersecting lives we lead - yet, like an ill-fated omen , i can never read you.

today also , i waited, i waited long after you had left. you never looked back, never lingered , never knowing that i would come. i am not going to come after this, i tell my computer, i tell the song i am listening to , while i wait - knowing , that this never coagulating mystery of ours that will bring me back, waiting , staring , all the time never meeting.

i think, you and i , were meant to disappear, into each others memories,of imperfect features, for its been so long since we had actually first met. it is all an idea now , it never really existed .

it is'nt you i wait for then, it is that something, that imperfect memory made perfect by the long wait, by the time i had on my hands to nuance it, to sketch it out , that i seek. and you are right - i will pass you on the street, looking for you , but i wont recognize you ,for it is not you i want to meet - it is me.

The Holiday

Iris: I like corny. I'm looking for corny in my life
Ethan: You didn't really wanna be a couple! You resist it in your own way. And it's hard to detect how you even do it, because nobody's quite as smart as you! So you're hard to catch at it. But it always surfaces and this is what happens.

[back inside the house, up on the balcony]

Amanda: What happened?

Ethan: Things end. Just like you knew they would!
Amanda: Sex makes everything more complicated. Even not having it, because the not having it... makes it complicated.

Graham: That's why it's better to have it... some say.

Arthur Abbott: Say a man and a woman both need something to sleep in and both go to the same men's pajama department. The man says to the salesman, "I just need bottoms," and the woman says, "I just need a top." They look at each other and that's the 'meet cute.'

Arthur Abbott: Iris, in the movies, we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason, you're behaving like the best friend

Iris: I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas', the worst Birthday's, New Years Eve's brought in by tears and valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow! All the usual symptoms

Iris: This was a really close call. You know, I never really though I'd say this, literally never, but I think you were absolutely right about us. Very square peg, very round hole.

Jasper: You cannot mean that.

Iris: The great thing is I actually do. And I'm about three years late in telling you this, but nevertheless I need to say it. Jasper. Wait, I need the lights on. Jasper, you have never treated me right. Ever.

Jasper: Oh, babe.

Iris: Shush. You broke my heart. And you acted like somehow it was my fault, my misunderstanding, and I was too in love with you to ever be mad at you, so I just punished myself! For years! But you waltzing in here on my lovely Christmas holiday, and telling me that you don't want to lose me whilst you're about to get MARRIED, somehow newly entitles me to say, it's over. This - This twisted, toxic THING between us, is finally finished! I'm miraculously done being in love with you! Ha! I've got a life to start living.

[Picks up Jasper's jacket, walking to the door]

Iris: And you're not going to be in it.

Jasper: Darling.

Iris: Now I've got somewhere really important to be, and you have got to get the hell out.

[Opens the door]

Iris: Now!

Jasper: What exactly has got into you?

Iris: I don't know.

[Pushes Jasper out the door]

Iris: But I think what I've got is something slightly resembling, gumption.

[Slams door shut in Jasper's face. Lifts hands up and screams with joy]

Though a Jude Law would be awesome -- i think , Jack Black is perfect.
and both their holidays are so awesome !! i would love to have both kinds - though , initially atleast, Jude law , really takes precedence
Apne hi bas main nahin main...
Dil hain kahin ka , aur kahin main ..
Aaj phir jeene ki tamanna hain
Aaj phir marne ka irada hain ....

Saturday, April 2, 2011

WE WON !! WE WON THE MOTHERFUCKING BEAUTIFUL WORLD CUP !! and we defeated Australia , Pakistan and Sri Lanka to get to it !!