Tuesday, April 26, 2011


She was one of those people who always really looked at things - one of those people whom you would instinctively think of everytime you saw Amelie - minus ofcourse , Amelie's zest for life , replace that with a deep disgust for what the avante garde artists call Expression! Oh, and no exclamations , everything became a monotone , and everything became a brown or a yellow with her - my very limited knowledge of autistic people (derived unfortunately solely from Mark Haddon's: Curious Incident of the dog in the Night time and sadly , My name is Khan) would repel them from the very yellow , very jaundicey person i talk about now.

Despite all that - she had an amazing eye. Now i never really undersood the term - "a brilliant eye" before I met her, but she - she had a gift ! or curse . God and only her tormented would know which. She could sense differenced in the pitch of someone's voice and figure out their  secrets , their deceit , she could see past my control top panties , and mark the flab everywhere ; the dark circles , the wrinkles, all physical vulnerabilities would meet harsh recognition and severe judgement in her eye's - and boy, did she voice that judgement.

That is why, sometimes, when I meet her - i temporarily hope for partial blindness for this person. but then i remember those lengthy lessons on Homer , where technically , you are blessed with a greater , deeper Insight if you were to chance upon blindness . the very thought of her gaining insight , scares me shitless and as i put laxatives into my mouth , i pray for her to hold onto that dispelling power people have come to hate.  She is like that one instance of obnoxious you remember from the bus , or the train - it loses its physical characteristics but the incident is etxhed as a painful memory to be regailed to children, grandchildren , and people to be modelled in general warning them against the extravagances of free speech . infact, i think , she was definitely put up on the internet once, to be popularised by an ambitious conservative boy who wanted to use her as an example to demonstrate how public speaking is not only hurtful but detrimental to the greater causes of the state. It did not pick up - i think , she did post a comment there . the internet legend says , that such was the scathing intensity of that comment , that the boy was never seen on the internet again as himself , and gave up that particular net identity forever.


No matter, how many times I try to tell her , people are more than their failings , she continues to judge the ever faltering pitch of my voice, mentally calculating my present cigarette consumption , and the precise amount of times i would have had extra concentrated ice tea. She would then say that - "No wonder you look huge today,  you must remember, fat people die much faster than your average smokers. "

"Fuck sunshine !" she says - "It makes me see what is wrong with this world even more clearly." I wish I could say, she had abusivve parents , or was insecure , or better had been molested in childhood - but , no she was an average person , blessed with this gift of seething capriciousness .

Sometimes, I could lure her to quieter places, and i was happy enough to bear with hearing my faults and my faults alone .I was always trying to impress upon her the great pain her gift was to the world, trying to make her my "reform project' , my psychology honours friend was always telling me about .
"Its like a burnt ring , right outside the blackest part of my eye. The best thing about seeing the shit that people really are ? They never , ever get borinng , never get uniteresting - there is a realm of possibility, they get worse or they get better , but they never stay stagnant - there is almost that shell of uncreative lassitude that can be broken , and god it feels useful to be doing that !"

Yes , I have wondered , how are we even friends , but I guess, it is interesting to know all that is wrong with you and that you are allowed to get worse or better - it takes a huge amound of pressure off that unidimensional life, that growth and possibility is always  charted to be as .

hey mr rain , aint you following me down ?
I've been working baby oh so hard, staying up in sky
wont you follow me down ?

No comments: