Monday, April 11, 2011

We are not Alone.

Some days, you are going to hate yourself. The food will taste worse than usual, all the songs on your phone will not be able to soothe you, you will not listen to a single one completely, you will hit the mute button on your phone for almost every caller, you are going to stay wide awake even though your eyes hurt. You will feel really alone – ALONE. And it will scare you – you will read older blog entries, and realize , pray to God fervently in fact, that Lord please tell me I have grown up , please tell me I am not as stupid and juvenile and naive as I used to be.

You want to distract yourself, you will inventory music , books , files on your computer, leaving things in the middle – you will try to understand why is it that you feel so alone today – words …you tell yourself I need words… you will read comforting things others told you were brilliant – there will be words, others words that you look for , while all the while holding onto their faces , their voices , the way they must have felt when they wrote those words, spoke those words – you are craving for the people, their words are the next best thing you have.

You will feel stupid, for all the times you thought you could be on your own, you are honestly hoping to meet someone online, but you realize, nobody is worth talking to – nobody is as alone as you are, and in their apparent smugness (of having company) they will only piss you off.

The air conditioning is a little too cold – you want to reach for your blanket, but you wont – you realize, it is probably your time of the month – isn’t it always your time of the month ? all year, all your life long?

You reach into that drawer which is the furthest from your bed and you will pull out something comforting – some food, something sweet, something you buy before you go broke , for you know you will feel like crap soon.

As you write all this , hoping somebody reads, though you know it doesn’t matter even if anyone does – you want to ask yourself , why the hell were you typing all the while in third person – not wanting to acknowledge that you are the one who is alone – you realize, everyone , somewhere, in their time of the long drawn months will feel like you.

Sad as though it is – this generalization of sorrow, this equalizing factor of common misery makes you happy.

You hit send – and I finally find a song , I don’t skip.In people , and their misery , their larger suffering , I survive, hoping someone feels as I feel – and gloating in the knowledge that a lot of people feel much worse than I do. In the long suffering WE , I exist.

p.s. this is depressing and makes me sound mean and horrible.
p.p.s the title is not wannabe-ish like everything else i just wrote - its the album name of one of my favourite breakin benjamin albums.
rooth ke humse kabhi , jab chale jaoge tum
ye na socha tha kabhi , itne yaad aaoge tum
 not the right song to listen to when you're low !


Sanjukta said...

you wrote this 2 months ago & I see it now?!?! :O This is not good. Yes, I like this post too (I can't really remember the last time I didn't like something you wrote)and I wish you had a 'subscribe' button somewhere on the blog so that I get emails when u post new things [you should SERIOUSLY create one!]


you have no idea - how i generally mean you whenever i am hoping that "someone reads" its you i am referring to .
by the way , i thought id put a subscribe button but since its not showing up , ill look into it.
and you are the sweetest person whom i have met . I LOVE YOU. SERIOUSLY .

Sanjukta said...'ll make life easier
And Love you seriously too! :) :)