Monday, June 20, 2011

The FUCKING future , is not ours to see - and what will be , will be

There is a dog howling in the neighbourhood. I just spent the last three hours talking to a girlfriend about the uncertainty that our future holds - she said "Fuck you ! I am at the crossroads now , you still have a year !" - and I told her to fuck herself first, as she was done and over ,about to know her fate whereas i had just started the year of thinking everyday that i should have listened to my mother.

There is nothing more painful than that - we nodded  in loud , vehement , abusive agreement.

I don't feel like writing anymore - thoughts seldom come and when they do they are too frugal to be penned down. So i am going to write about my predicament - hoping , nay praying all the time , that it gives me clarity.

I will - hopefully at this time next year have a degree in English . I have often been made to feel very inadequate about the rather "vague" choice of a subject to study - but i never doubted my decision. I love my college and I love my course.Sadly , that is not enough (echoes , violent nightmarish howls of my mother's voice merge with the mournful cries of that darn dog ). Today ,  I am not even at a proper crossroad. I am nowhere , wishing somebody had hit me and told me to do what he thought i should do. I would rather have had my inner genius stifled than be under this burden of uncertainty that my parents willy decision to allow me the CHOICE to figure out where i am going . I really would. I wish my father and mother Had been abusive , slapped me , told me i was stupid - stupid enough not to know what exactly i want and sketch out what exactly they expected of me. Their - WE BELIEVE IN YOUS (specially my father's) have left me feeling not only inadequate , but foolish , self important and crushed under the burden of figuring out the fuck that my life is going to be with the soul responsibility to bear for it fucked-upness.

I want somebody to come and take control of my life . I am tired - tired of trying to figure out what i want. I am never ever going to know. I know that at least now. I wish , people who love me , would shake me into reason and tell me that they are exactly what i want and need. I don't want them to believe that i know best.This is not anti-feminist , nor is it suicidal. It is only a declaration of my soul peeling off and falling to the ground in this world where my better ambitions and the very popular notions i have of my capability (which trust me are wholly conjectured by those who most wish to see me fail or fall or succeed )  that are telling me to stop crying and take control. Take baby steps - my friend said to me , when i rattled my despair . TALK TO PEOPLE ABOUT IT.

I think , this qualifies - as a cry for help. What i wouldn't give to go back to any of those moments when i knew exactly what i was doing and feel the way i felt . The feeling ,of knowing that there must be something right about you , that euphoria of fitting in your own expectations and that zeal to achieve not success but happiness is what i need. Hence , this cry for help is to myself - for none of you , in this whole wide world can help me. I must decide "never to yield ."

I want to write about people fighting off cancer, and other positive things - but i cannot bring myself to be motivated. All i know , that right now , i am motivated to beg God to not to think.
And remember , that first book of ROBINSON CRUSOE - and feel what i felt then , about stories and words and Crusoe himself. Destiny shall lend me my man Friday and there is no one who is going to take me away from him - not even , the cannibal spirit of despair and righteous self doubt.

The dog has miraculously stopped barking now - and i feel my body taking control - telling me to go and take a crap. I am at peace .

5 comments:

sidspacewalker said...

We talked about critics in Poetry class today, and our guest speaker said that every poet needs a critic - the one that is close enough to understand how you feel and how you write, and harsh and knowledgeable enough to tell you what doesn't work.
You are my critic, among a lot of other things(Not saying I am a poet). And very obviously, you are thus also an amazing writer.
Everyone has doubts about what they do ... I would rather have these doubts than know exactly what to do ... because I know I can do so many things ...
Uncertainty is cool...
Peace.

Myself said...

LOL! I love you!

I often surf through different blogs and usually skip over the ones that have long posts (which is strange because most of my posts are awfully long!) but you are probably one of the few blogs I'll read no matter how long the post is! You're an awesome writer and It makes me happy that you are choosing to get a degree in English.

But, about your dilemma, it is VERY similar to mine. I always tell my friends that it would've been best if we had our career choices written on our foreheads so we'd always know what we're supposed to do and what we're likely to end up as. Seriously, though, we should relax and go with the flow. If we are good at what we do, (and you are) we'll do just fine!

Now, even my comments are turning out to be long! :s

PHOTOGENIC DEVIL said...

@Americi Babu : I like some of the classes you take. And as long as you keep writing - i'll be reading.
also - uncertainity about your future , is like getting fucked by a man who has aids and no idea how to fuck - oh , and is ugly.

@myself : I LOVE YOU TOO :)) it is infact of the very very few people like you , because of whom i still write this blog , on a public platform . and i love your blog - A LOT !!
About the forehead thing- totally doing it to my kids. I shall be a Nazi with them - none of this free thinking free spirited bullshit for them.
and just so you know , your comment isnt long - its pleasantly fulfilling :))
thanks a lot , for reading and commenting.

Sanjukta said...

Aww I dunno what made you choose English honors but am glad you did..maybe someday you will decide to actually start writing a book or something like that & you'll know you have been right all along in choosing to study what you love/wanted to, instead of letting other people tell you what to do :)

P.S: anyway, no one has a clue either what the fuck to do with their lives, so you are not alone in this definitely!

PHOTOGENIC DEVIL said...

lol. I think , at best , that book will be full of rahter long rants , full of typos. But i am sure , you atleast will tell me its brilliant, so i guess im never going to be un-appreciated.

I LOVE YOU GIRL.

p.s. Please , you shld see the freaks i have for friends , they all know where they are going. it is enough for me to hate them.