Saturday, September 3, 2011

The Ram Ramming Hostel

After two years of grudging hostlers the close proximity to college, their ridiculously low rent , and making fun of them for saying things like "it's so difficult to get up for class" when they have to wake up 20 minutes before class( if they take a bath ), or just come and sit for it without taking a bath - I decided that the Delhi heat can be faced when you get to be part of this super cheap , super accessible style of community living. After usual fights with cab-wallahs, and being nearly dead by moving around so much luggage I ended up having quite a memorable first day - so I decided it needs to be recorded before the experience is normalized for me.

1.) You need local guardians for lots and lots of signatures and when your lg looks younger than you, lets just say its not exactly perfect.

2.) The mess bhaiyas are like vultures - swooping in and snatching the plate away from your hand as soon as you have picked up the last remnant of food from it - it hasn't reached your mouth yet, as he takes the vestiges of food that are meant to be seen , bonded with and then hated. But no, the bhaiyas are faster than landlords introducing hidden fees as soon as the contract has been signed in taking those plates.

3.) Every body eats crazy fast - they come in large numbers, thronging into the mess, find their spot, rattle off while eating at top speed and bolt. Their is no bonding with the food at all. Perhaps that is why , after dinner they (Being 300 - 1 girl ) , the beautiful smart women of LSR , move to the gardens to match that extremely energetic activity of eating with more vigorous walks, saying all the while things like "the breeze must be enjoyed." Now I know why I am the only fat person in this place , because it took me 20 minutes to eat and then I sat another 10 minutes feeling satiated and glowing with the warm , tasty food in my stomach. I LIKE TO ENJOY MY MEALS.

4.) Because, everybody is thin and super beautiful - at every corner , there are hidden floor length mirrors - so all that you learnt about deceptive dressing is gone for a toss when a hidden mirror puts that much hidden and deceptively dressed bit of fat, right in front of your eyes, almost magnified.

5.) There are bells for food - they feed you every three hours , and you rush to the mess like Armageddon hit space. You miss 'TEA' and you are judged for being crazy and trying to diet by the beautiful , fast eating girls who swear by the awesomeness of tea as a meal.

6.) You wave wildly at someone in the mess and then stupid friends tell you to not embarass yourself infront of juniors :

7.) Your friends teach you about how mommy like you are in wanting to buy adrak and nimbu from SHANI BAZAAR and then call you kiddish for running in the corridor - I tell you these women have it all worked out.

8.) MY FIRST POTTY : You stealthily grab your dettol handwash and try to be unseen in that long walk to the loos . You have just about made it when someone yells "HI DEVIKA !" . You see someone behind you also clutching that infernal bottle of dettol and making their way to the loo. You stop by the washbasins , trying to act like oh , no I don't potty! My excretory processes do not involve things coming out of orifices. The girl is a seasoned hostler she moves on, uncaring . So you go find a stall and get ready to excrete . Then you squat - what side should you face, why should it be so difficult for an Indian to use an Indian seat ? You try to turn on the tap , the water makes a loud , vehemently wicked thundering gurgle so that the entire Deluxe corridor knows that Devika went to Potty. You turn off the tap , waiting , poising , posing all the while - and there is no potty. Then you hear another door slam and your body tells you fuck it - "I NEED THIS SHIT !" and then , you lose your potty innocence - you can drop a dump at demand , your issues be damned .

9.) People : they are nice . People know you and you know them - you yell - "194 - DELUXE, VISIT as soon as I'm set" - most don't care you are not set , they come anyway and give you their two cents about how you should set your room , as they lounge around seeing you work and laughing at you for buying so many baskets . You are happy , happy in the knowledge that we live in this make believe world all of our own - where we can invite people we like , see them laugh, hear them talk and live with their annoying presence. The people, I tell you I liked the best.

10.) You can race your luggage trolley in the corridors and nobody says a thing. Its my favourite sport- I can win the olympic gold for it.

11.) Sapna Kaushik has the biggest room in the entire hostel - but because I love her, I will not plot to get the room from her, I shall just crib about the said largeness of her room.

12.) Overpriced cafe or not it sure is nice to know it is there, except Sundays, to save you from the times when you just cant take hostel food - I've had three meals , and I don't hate them yet, but nobody swipes the plate from beneath your nose in the cafe and I am happy to know that I can take a break from race eating :))

13.) Because you are a hostler , and go to Nescafe late late in the evening , they use their 25 Rs cup and make you a double coffee when you ask for it :)))

14.) There are too many leave slips to be signed :((((

15.) There is a giant tree that I can see from both my windows and I am happy about it. Lots of trees we plant, we smart girls , yes we do !

These are some of the many quirks of the womanly residence hall, where we crib , live, gossip and function as independent and at the same time world-ed by all that is around us . We do it , LSR STYLE :))


Sanjukta said...

haha i dont get it either why people consider drinks as food >_> and no, tea is NOT meal ugh.
Well atleast corridor races sound like a whole lot of fun..i think am gonna try it around the house tonight :P


and i thought you were gone forever :))))

p.s. I am always racing around the corridor in my towel from the loo . which is miles away. god forbid if u want to pee at 5 in the morning .

i missed you <3

Anonymous said...

I love this post, if for nothing else, then for the use of the word 'orifices'!!! Lol!! Love you, Devika!!!! :D


thnx nishtha :)))))))

p.s i know the towel running bit made u smirk. :|