Tuesday, May 31, 2011

That thing.


  There is that thing which we all are looking for - that thing that is going to allude you for the rest of your life , and you know it. Yet you are going to run after it , wanting it , needing it , and even when you finally acknowledge defeat you are wondering if you could have got it if you ran harder , or longer.

 You are not going to find it . You will not understand it , or recognize it , even when it stares you right in the face . IT DOES NOT MATTER - you still have to run , and look for it . Always . Its not about the thing anymore, its about all that you find  , discard , and give up looking for it . That series of losses , of giving up , of unhappiness and bitterness is what you and your life is about. You were fated to live this way.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Love and other forms of Death

We got to thinking about the romance killer that cynicism really is , when I launched into this debate about "silly girls" in love with a friend of mine .

It is important to mention - that this friend has just been admitted to Kings College , London , so all this talk of encounters with hot men gains several grounds of validification.

I gave her an example , that if you were'nt "silly" in love , it would be impossible for you to really ever "fall" in love. Sure , we are all able, intelligent women , where atleast a good 30 % of us are too cynical for own good. Yet we choose to ignore those tell tale signs of a deteriorating relationship , rather than weeding out the said problem.

The example was this - imagine , you are on a plane , being an attractive kashmiri girl , the chances of a hot man reciprocating are very high (this girl has been described as a BOMB ) , now you find this amazing wine drinking , dashing , suave, guy and you two hit it off completely . You decide, I am ready for sex , and this guy is the one I want to do it with. HE , his holy horniness complies, and you find the right place and strike the right mood . But - here the cynic in you , would ring warning bells of things as him being HIV positive - and you decide that hot torrid sex is not worth getting Aids. You give the guy a wrong number , and fall asleep trying to evade the earlier sex vibes.

In a scenario ,where we all lived in 17th century England and rakes were ample and protection unheard of , this would have been a good measure. But even if we assume a 50 % chance of this hot man being HIV positive - you still have destroyed a perfect fantasy. This fantasy , is never going to play out. and where will we stop now ? Will Mono , skin rashes also find there way into our cynicism ? How far are we going to let planning ruin our lives ?

If we all wished for safety and comfortable happiness - then there would'nt be that desire to meet that alluring stranger , that we all find the time to look for. There would be no Mills and Boon perfect men , and there would be no love stories. For love at first sight to happen - you have to let that cynic in you die , and choose to get infected, cheated , heartbroken or worse kidnapped and raped. Romance has to come with not only heart -wringing but mental trauma as well. THE CYNIC MUST DIE !

Or else, we can live - unhappy , planned , safe lives . Living , in the knowledge that it is planned and thought out to be so .





Thursday, May 26, 2011

Break Up

Revenge always comes with a sense of bitter fulfillment. A relationship never ends amicably, and if it does it always harbours the possibility of a revenge subplot. Today after a particularly vicious revenge plan was launched on one of my closest friends by a perfection of a man (whom I had personally declared the perfect boyfriend) we got to discussing, how you would rather have a relationship end - would you like there to be an amicable parting (or the friendly exes) OR would you fight bitterly , and put your real reproach in real utterable words?


We have all had break ups - they are never happy. That said , however, someone is always more hurt and someone always moves on faster. So why are we so afraid to say what we really feel? Things will never be the same so why dont we destroy the possibility of there ever again being a "thing" between the two of you ? When we dont talk , are we trying to save face or is it our dark side taking over , plotting a worse way to take revenge ? Is it our fear of humiliating emotional outbursts or is it that terrible , destructive need to get even ?

I for one , would rather have someone come and tell me to my face why exactly I have been a bitch to him , and how and when i broke his heart. it would be better than trying to hold onto the withered threads of the dying , poisonous thing that my relationship had become. Also , it is easier to hate someone in peace, once both of you have been equally horrible to each other and levelled the playfield. It will put an end to needless guilt trips , sympathy dates and pity phone calls.

So the next time , account for your real feelings and say what you have to say. Snuff out the last remains of the poisonous reed that a relationship with an ex really is . Steer clear of the evil path that heartbreak is sure to lead you onto. fight, be angry , throw tantrums but say what you really feel , without trying to keep things bottled up, burning , seething with anger.

SAY IT , DONT SAVOUR IT, Sadism will never do you good - you will do both of yourselves a favour .

p.s. this happened to me on the day i heard the perfect love story. LIFE IS UNFAIR.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

The boy who was scared of bras.


A lot of times i have written about a certain number of my guy-friends here , and bitched about them , painted them as horrendous hearltess criminals (which they are) but i have never taken names :P

This post is to chronicle , my deep love for pranjal - which i know he will do something really soon to destroy. So this post will remind me why exactly , we were friends in the first place.

Now he is a really funny guy - you can scare the shit out of him by saying the words bra , or panties to him ; he is not homosexual , though that would have really made life simple - he is just a sweet little guy who gets really embarassed when these words are connected to his completely asexual understanding of a girl-friend. Like me torturing him by reminding him , I DO have boobs was excruciatingly funny.

This is a useless post , with no other meaning , apart from telling the world , or vacant cyberspace , that pranjal is scared of bras.

HE IS.

p.s. on telling one of my girls about his bra-phobia , even the knowledge of his 5 year relationship could not bail him out of homosexuality or other worse things such as him being afraid of sex.

Who knows? who knows anything at all.
p.p.s. this is shy pranjal refusing to get his picture clicked. i have better ones , but i thought this suited him well.
p.p.p.s. if this gets back to you pj , in no way am i mocking your manhood , or lack of it thereof. i am just suggesting , that you are scared of bras - or atleast the knowledge or any talk of my bra , and that is amazing ammo to blast you with :)))

Friday, May 20, 2011


She was always trying to change , and everytime she tried she changed a little. There is no way to stop her from changing - not for me , not for herself.


p.s. whole article here : remembering and forgetting

Monday, May 16, 2011

Cleopatra to Antony (Act 1, scene 3)


Courteous lord , one word :
Sir, you and i must part , but that's not it ;
Sir, you and i have loved , but there's not it ; 
That you know well . Something it is I would -
Oh my oblivion is a very Antony,
And I am all forgotten !
 
There are things which can make you feel happy even though the text is condemned to be an exam and course text .

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Becoming Jane and Becoming Jane Austen .

Men always disappoint us. They find some way to hurt and humiliate us, even their love feels like a cage at times, and you are forever assaulted by them – both emotionally and physically. Their reactions seldom please us , for we nearly always expect something other than what they just did. Love is a flight of fancy , a throwing of caution to the winds for a woman , whereas for a man , it is possession , a hunt , a chase – culminating in devouring and territorial validification .


Yet , somehow , inspite of knowing all this and more – every man that challenges us in any way , finds his way to our hearts – we find ourselves forgiving them , falling for the wrong things , and washing down memories we thought we will never ever forget – forgiving , forgetting , and speeding along on that downward spiral that love , attraction and infatuation is.

Every time I see Becoming Jane , I find a little piece of my heart breaking. The scoundrel that Tom Lefroy is , my heart still pines for him , as he asks for a reading for his daughter. I keep thinking to myself , why could they not get married – why does a love which could have been so fulfilling die ? why is he such a scoundrel ? why is he not stronger than she is ?

Men hardly ever are.

But then , maybe , had he not been what he was , we would not have had Mr Darcy – the imperfect loving man , who will love you , as much he can , and the gods will make you wanting in just that amount of love that he provides.

Maybe , to be an Austen – you need to remain an Austen , and live by your pen . Maybe ,greatness can only be achieved if we live divorced from matrimony.

In this existence , men come as imperect creatures , leaving you disappointed , telling you lies , and you perfect them , with your pen – talking about things that could have happened, and did happen – where the lands were fertile and men not so infirm as they are in the real world – in the world of words and in the world of your dreams .

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

'if i just stay here , would you stay with me and just forget them all ?'

there is always an emo pop music lover in you. no matter how much you try to curb it - and tell it to die ! it does not !