Saturday, September 29, 2012
Every new shift in location brings me to a reducing number of friends. I am older now , I cannot make friends as I earlier was able to. I don't even feel the need to now. I was wondering how many people I have lost to this war of spaces and time zones. How people change, how relationships mutate to cordial , how when every time you age you lose old connections , older feelings and a little part of your older convictions. This constantly changing charade of people whom I loved at some point shakes my very core. In this age of social media , they cannot even peacefully exist as memories preserved in old birthday cards and diary entries but rather one is forced to face daily with the newer versions of their old selves which are no longer palatable to the heart which yearns for the old. I have lost friends to cities and countries , to expensive telephone bills , to their respective boyfriends and girlfriends , to bad internet connections , to inconsistent holiday plans and even to different universities in the same city. I want to hold onto the old remnants of relationships if only for the sake of my time having meant something . So I block old friends whom I can no longer be friends with in life , I go offline to the same on Facebook , I delete their phone numbers , I refuse to pick up their calls ..... just for the sanity of memory. There is only so much a person in flux herself can take. Familiarity is a good emotion to feel. However , when that familiarity is replaced by cordiality a little part of my heart breaks and annihilates the person whom I must have once vehemently loved. There are gaps in my memory then and when I'm vulnerable a vestigial memory sears an old face onto the back of my eyes and I'm almost in an emotional coma trying to remember why this asshole today meant to me so much a couple of years back , or why I remember every birthday card this silly girl with bad grammar gave me when we were kids. Maybe I expect way too much and possibly people find it hard to live in my judgemental exacting world. Maybe I reminiscence way too much . I wish there could be a way to forget a person once they have moved out from your life. I wish there existed an emotional lobotomy. But then I will meet the few who have stayed and refused to be blotted out of memory. The ones I may meet once a year but whom I hold onto for dear life as it were. It would be better to not have so many only to have their lives spiral out of control and be in disjunction with mine . Or atleast , I wish there could have been an unalterable fight. The fights are what I miss in this ever changing vertigo of a world. It is better then to fall apart rather than to exist as a flimsy shining wrapper of camaraderie in my mind. Its the ones that go without a fight I think , I regret the most.