Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Self Aware Rumblings

Me: Today seems a good enough day to reinvent the idea of inventing you. I am just about to turn a year older, two friends are getting married and both seem to have grown so used to their identities as 'young women' that I ended up feeling even more infantile than usual after talking to them. This is where you are supposed to come in and help me grow into my boobs and subsequent femininity.

 Him : How exactly am I supposed to help you do this ? I think you have merely invented me as a character in your life because I speak exactly the way you would have someone speak and then be able to go through the joyful process of undoing one of your own perspectives. It hardly seems challenging.

 Me : If you had not been a product of my imagination then we would not be psychoanalyzing me. The only critical voice my megalomania allows me to entertain is my own.

 Him : Another very important question - how exactly am I supposed to help you grow into your own femininity ? Am I supposed to be imagined in countless sexual scenarios like you used to do in your teen years ? Or can I pull off a Her and choose random women from your head and take control of your sexual destiny by pointing out why exactly I would not fuck you when I could fuck all those other girls around you ? A little bit of objectification and jealousy and ruining of 'strong female bonds' - it would be interesting and I believe what can be called realistic. 

Me: That would not be like Her - technically, it is just a mirroring of my maybe curbed sexual responses to women around me in my psyche. Or something like that. Also, assuming you to be a textbook man from a bad Ben Stiller movie really does not serve my purpose of understanding the sexes better, I am supposed to keep an open and critical mind and train myself to become more appreciative of differences and all that crap. It is not my job to nurture your wants and expectations. If I was capable of doing that I wouldn't be creating a man in my head just to avoid all the other men out there. 

Him : I am having a Pinocchio moment - I want to be a real boy just to escape this obnoxious self awareness. You seem to be far too old to start constructing self conscious imaginary friends. 

Me: Months of careful social alienation has actually left me socially alienated and this seems to be a fun way to pass time. As the Barbie Doll song taught me - 'imagination - that is your creation'AND (because that is how profound that song was) - 'You'll do whatever I please.'

 Him: The contradictions keep rolling in. After all that bull about self actualization (which I know you picked up from Princess Diaries) and almost an overbearing philosophical tone about self awareness, the feminist you who wants to 'understand' did not just quote 'I'm a Barbie Doll.' I am judging myself for being a part of your imagination right now ! 

Me: It is a tough life indeed when your imagination itself is a blow hard.

Monday, March 31, 2014

Angst of writing term papers

Now I know why all my friends have jobs. They are free from the dilemmas of producing and analysing and ultimately damning the fruit of their minds.

55 minutes to my deadline. I know happymon won't be happy at all.

Friday, January 3, 2014

Fade ins and burn outs

I would like to know how to feel constantly and unchangingly and everlastingly.

I want the freedom to change my mind but I so hope for that state of affairs which never requires such a change.

It is exhausting work constantly changing and evolving and reverting back. Leaps of faith should come easier and belief systems should be rewarded.

To love and never stop loving and to never ever fade or ebb. I yearn for comfort free from boredom.

I need to want less and live more. I could do with some peace and some mental quiet.