Thursday, December 31, 2015

New Year

I genuinely feel as if I am a proper adult today. I had a cake delivered and cut it all by myself for new year while watching some old ass hindi movies I have already seen. It was strangely rewarding.

I had been talking to Asnah about how much 2015 had sucked. I couldn't think of one proper good thing that had happened to me all through the year. Now that the new year is finally here I don't want to think of 2015 so badly. There were some things which I am really thankful for and I will write them down for the purposes of always reminding myself that they happened this year and it wasn't as much of a crap fest as I would like to think.

1.) My parents have continued being as awesome as they always have been despite my seriously dodgy hopes about my future. I hope I can be a source of greater happiness to them this year and ease their burden of unrequited awesomeness.
My sister too continues to be the amazing alpha female in my life. Thanks for getting so angry when people fought with me and for believing so much in my capabilities especially when I have zero faith in them. Thank you also for loving your birthday gift so much. I hope I start making money soon so that I can get you bigger and better gifts. I hope this new year brings you a new person.

2.) My friends. When I try to think very hard I realize that mostly I am extremely thankful for all my friends this year. I will write this in great detail so that I acknowledge all this goodness in some way. I will take names and avoid all attempts at being cryptic.

a.) Isha Singh: Hey Isha. We are not friends any more and you made me so miserable for at least 2 months. The year started  great when we finally resolved the fight that we had last year which was so small compared to the fight we now have had. I remember being so happy that we were friends again because I could never have imagined you not being in my life. Unfortunately, that track didn't last and you said so many things to me which even if I wanted to, I could never be friends with you again. I want to tell those many memories of you that I have in my head that I cherish them even today because I understand why you hate me. I hope life gets easier for you and you find people whom you can approve of. I truly did love you so much and I tried my best. I know one day you will be this crazy successful author and trust me I will tell people very proudly that we learnt how to rhyme together and we used to walk around in the loreto field after english exams discussing our essays. I hope you know that I truly think you are a good person but we cannot be friends anymore because you have hurt me too much and I don't want to be in that state of vulnerability anymore. I don't hate you however. I know you called my house some weeks back. Please don't do that. I cannot rehash anything with you and if it was an accusatory call, I don't have the energy to fight anymore and if it was a re-conciliatory call I just want to tell you that is not possible at least not now because it will be very difficult for me to trust you again. I know you don't wish me ill - I hope so at least. Even if you do I am sure you have your reasons and I understand them. I don't mind that you hate me - it is okay. It is also okay that you have never loved me, I am a difficult person to like I feel.
I want to thank you even for all the fighting however - every time you fight with me it feels as if my entire world comes crumbling down and I introspect a lot. Because of the horrible and ugly fights we have had in the past two years, I am friends again with Rohit, with Siddhant and with Saumya. I have also grown closer to everyone I still have in my life because it has tempered me. You know if someone had told me that out of all the friends I have made in my life you were the one who would no longer be in my life I would not have believed it at all So strong as a personal force you have been in my life however that even when you take me down you help me so much. My friendship with Rohit is one of the most important personal relationships I have ever had with another human being. It would not have happened probably if I was not so completely shaken up after fighting with you. It made me more malleable and I cannot thank you enough for it. It is because of the fight I had with you that I realized how much I care about Siddhant and that is why after so many years of fighting, arguing and angsty love hangover I am finally in such a good place with him - you have no idea what you helped me solve. After my fight with you, one day I randomly went on facebook and Saumya Kumar sent me a message and because of my fight with you I was able to embrace that message with the joy it deserved rather than remembering whatever silly reason it was that we lost touch. I found out her father passed away and it made me feel so horrible that something so terrible had happened in her life and I wasn;t around. So while it broke my heart when you said all those things, those things helped me nonetheless. I wish you well.

b.) Rohit : I think this relationship has finally reached a place where words are becoming difficult. One very specific nice thing that you did recently was when you called me on my birthday taking into account not only the time difference but that fact that you had a meeting. Your respect of my neurosis has touched me deeply. So thanks for that Rou.

c.) Pranjal : thank you for liking the book I sent you on your birthday - it was a big load off. Even though you forgot my birthday, and rohit had to remind you that call with you was the best call I had all day. Again with the loss of words thing. Thank you also for sending me the books I wanted without all the drama that Rohit does EVERY YEAR.

d.) Siddhant: Thank you for all the Poulomi news you keep giving me and reminding me of all the tragic school memories  :P. Us being friends is one of the nicest things that have happened this year and I am grateful. I know we are probably never going to become best friends but it is nice to know that if I would suddenly run into you in the street it would not be awkward and it would not be sudden because I would know of your plans of coming to  India. Also thank you for starting work at Microsoft because you and Rohit being together is my post class 12th vision coming alive one piece at a time. Also thank you for wishing Saumya for me.



e.) Did Trishla get married this year ? If yes then thanks Anant for that call you made from Lucknow. It was SO NICE to hear from you.

f.) Stuti: Thank you for marrying someone we went to school with and for not having changed and for all the gyan you gave me about the importance of wedding.

G.) Saumya : All my prayers go out to you girl because I know how shitty your year has been. I am really thankful for talking to you again after all these years and relating. Thanks for that facebook friend request- it resolved a very important relationship which had gone kaput.

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Now my Loreto gang

a.) Garima : thank you for coming down to see me when I was losing my mind over the entire Isha debacle and telling me that not all the bad things were true and that you loved me. I will never be able to explain how much that helped.Thank you for being so excited about my birthday and liking my sister so much. You have no idea how amazing I think you are and you never will because I will bully you till you are dead.

b.) Mariyam : thanks for those long random text conversations we end up having. Also thank you for sending me funny pictures of people we went to school with. Thank you for telling me I am being boring and shaking me out of my research scholar stupor.  Our 3 hour phone conversation on my birthday totally made up for the fact that I was all alone for the first 10 hours of my birthday in all 25 years of my life. You have no idea how your ability to always love gossip and not give any due attention to my serious concerns about being depressed help.

c.) Arushi : thank you for being so excited about me coming to Bombay even when I cancelled. Thank you also for not forgetting my birthday. Thank you for the messages you sent even when I know you didn't give two shits about the issue. Thanks also for that cute guy picture on your profile which made me 2 hours facebook stint so much fun. I love you. I hope I see you soon, it really has been too long.

d.) Maam Seth : thanks ma'am for calling on my birthday like always and agreeing with my fears of having peaked too soon. Thanks also for listening to me say fuck a lot and being so cool as to forget  you once punished me for saying shit


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My LSR girls

a.) Farnaaz: thanks for the big news you told us this year and for being your amazing self on my birthday,planning everything and handling my sister when she got drunk. Thank you also for the amazing mac lipstick. I will wear it on the big event.

b.) Ramla: thanks for taking so warmly to my Viber group idea. I am so happy to know that we all have so much to talk about even though we haven;t met in 3 years. That 4 hours phone call we had around your birthday was marvelous. I love you Rum bug.

c.) Asnah: there are no words to describe how much I love you and how much it helps me live my life to send you those daily messages on whatever tech platform I feel I can hide myself on. This is going to be our year Asnah. I truly believe you will read at least 30 books this year. Love you Snaaaaaaaaaahhh

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a.) Nikhil : thanks Niksi especially for taking my away that time when I was angry with SImon and for not leaving me at the mercy of autowallahs at 12 in the night. That was the day I realized how strong our bond really is. Thank you also for always buying me whatever souvenir I tell you to and never forgetting. Also thank you for coming to my house to see me and for not giving up on my lazy ass.

b.) Simon : thank you for that big fight I picked with you SImon and for talking to me for hours and wooing me till I was ready to accept that I was being stupid. Also thank you for random virtual kisses you send on gtalk they make my day. I will be seeing you soon and I am sooooo excited !!!



and now for the one true Isha in my life

Dear Juds, thank you for not caring how many times I whine and for always assuaging all my fears about being a morose companion. Thank you also for that really nice almora hash you stole from purab on my birthday. Best maal I have ever smoked. Thanks for coming to my house to visit me and for watching tamasha with me. Thanks for not getting offended about the number of times I keep saying how perfect your life is.  I will see and we will get you that god awful hair cut you want day after.

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Here's hoping for a better and more exciting new year, with hopefully no more fights and no more resolutions. Sending you all good vibes via the internet.

Thursday, December 10, 2015

"You can boast about anything if it's all you have."

Too many times he had wondered if his character was as discernible to the world as others were to him. So much fear filled him at the very thought of being understood and known by others without him ever being in on it.

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Weird things I like to do.

1.) I like to buy pineapples so that when I wake up at 5 in the evening and look into my fridge I feel more put together than I actually am.

2.) I LOVE watching reality shows where American families fight and cry on TV.Especially the weight loss ones.

3.) I am obsessed with deleting read emails and messages. Very OCD.

4.) I need to make plans and mentally prepare myself to do even the smallest things like going out with friends.

5.) I had a weird existential crisis one time when my laptop did not work for 10 hours.


Tuesday, September 15, 2015

How to Make Life YOUR Bitch.



1.) Sleep at normal times. Sleeping at 8 in the morning is only setting yourself up for failure.

2.) Sleep less. It is abnormal to sleep 12 hours a day.

3.) Stop obsessing about sleeping.

4.) When you smoke the last cigarette from the pack, don't make plans to quit immediately. You know you won't. This is probably why your lungs need all that sleep to try to salvage the damage your 12 hour routine of smoking a day has caused.

5.)  If you buy a papaya, then eat it. How many papayas will you throw out ? The guy who empties your trash can is judging you. STOP BUYING PAPAYAS.

6.) If you decide that it is time to collect your Bachelors degree from LSR then do it that very day. A 10 km journey should not take you a month to plan and finding a Neverland where it is executed.

7.) Don't plan on going on a diet. You know you won't do it. Who do you meet anyway ?

8.) Check your bank account balance BEFORE sending Pushpak a strongly worded message for losing your stipend form. He won't ever submit forms for you again otherwise.

9.) If you have a sweet ride like your amazing yellow Vespa - then drive it somewhere other than Mother Dairy.

10.) You will never clean your Vespa. Invest in that guy who comes to clean other people's cars and pay him to do it for you.

11.) Stop downloading reading lists. You know you won't go beyond downloading the list. Unless it is a reading list completely unrelated to coursework.

12.) When you meet Professor Nafey next - do not portray yourself as someone who is capable of meeting deadlines. CALL RICHA and co ordinate. The day she submits her work should be your deadline for procrastinating and at least starting research.

13.) Stop making wishlists on Amazon. Nobody is going to buy you all those things.

14.) Stop imagining scenarios where you drop dead. It is not going to happen and therefore all the other secondary stuff has to be dealt with.

15.) Stop telling your parents that you have nothing to talk about. They will only call you more.

16.) Stop youtubing 'Horrible Parenting' after not talking to your parents properly. It will start a guilt trip which you don't want to deal with. Your parents are too good to be true and you do not deserve them.

17.) Stop telling your sister that you will save money and buy her something expensive for her birthday from your measly stipend. You know you will spend it on books.

18.) Go and get a job. Seriously.

19.) Evaluate how badly you will fail when you actually do get a job. Convince parents that investing in VLCC is better than paying for the quadruple degree you are on. GET MARRIED. Beg some old friend who makes money to fund you for the rest of your life in return for you writing all their future kids' essays.

20.) Stop letting your mustache get out of control. It completely inhibits the go getter attitude you should be cultivating.

21.) Stop trying to be a part of popular culture. YOU STARTED TOO LATE. You won't be able to catch up.

22.) Fuck **** *****. Also write the bitch's full name. Stop being such a pussy.

23.) Stop having ambiguous feelings about people who clearly hate you.

24.)  Make better lists - like grocery lists so that your maid doesn't give you the stink eye for there being no Lizol in the house.

25.) Stop posting on Google Plus. Don't try to latch onto the vestiges of social networking when you have been such a bitch about it to every well meaning person who told you to join Whatsapp and Facebook.

26.) Stop writing answers on Quora about JNU. Kids keep writing to you for advice then and what the fuck do you know about anything ?

27.)  Be spontaneous ! Don't plan things to the tee. You know the more you plan, greater are the chances of you bailing out on the plan. Just be a maverick.

28.) Stop watching stuff and then researching the pop references you don't know and re watching/re-reading the ones you do. Nobody cares if you don't know Top Gun by heart.

29.) Stop discovering music - there is no point. This is not your area of expertise.

30.)  Stop your obsession with even numbers in lists. If you don't have a point to make, don't just write anything so that the list looks more thought out than it actually is. NOBODY READS THIS STUFF. 

Saturday, September 12, 2015

Raison d'ĂȘtre

I have been thinking recently about why people do things and what the purpose of morality really is. Are there actually certain things that are better than others ? I am not talking about the big questions of murder and rape but rather about the smaller things that people believe in - you know stuff like not dating a friend's significant someone, cheating on them or selling out silly little things about your friend to someone else.

I used to think that people are naturally inclined to be born a certain way - where some just are good and the others are bad. I would pat myself on the back for the irreparable straightness I have always been plagued with about 'feelings'. I abhor confusion and anyone who confuses me I automatically don't like. I like feeling about people in clear bands of light. Not to say that I expect people to adhere to certain types but I have always sort of liked to feel a particular way about someone. Some people just invoke a particular feeling in you. You can have fights or discover new and confusing behavior but they still invoke that same feeling in you. This has allowed me to be very clear cut in the time  and what I allow myself to think about/of other people.

Of course there are general trends of behavior. For example, if anyone calls you crying , no matter if you aren't very good friends with them or even hate them , I always listen and try to offer solutions. I am polite to strangers and exist somewhere in the spectrum the word 'nice' represents.

I have however realized that it is not because of some inherent quality that people behave in particular way but because it is easier to accept the socialization of feeling. You feel rewarded when your subconscious evaluates you on that scale of social behavior it has been conditioned to accept as acceptable. To be a mean person or a selfish person  is actually an act of rebellion. You might, over time, socialize your subconscious to enjoy this little act of terror on others but that first time it must hurt to go against everything you know and it must take courage.

I have very strong views on relationships - mostly because I have never been in a real relationship. I know that cheating is unacceptable. I would never forgive someone who cheats on me - not because I don't think that love cannot die but because that act of going behind someone's back and then telling them and claiming it was out of love is just too self important. When you tell someone that 'Hey! I cheated on you and I am so sorry and I love you so much' it is not for the person you are telling - you want to stop your subconscious regurgitating social guilt in your head. You want to protect yourself, not the other person. People would be so much happier if they just told the other person that listen I don't think I am attracted to you anymore. It would obviously involve constantly evaluating your feelings towards others but at least this way you are embracing what is good about self absorbed-ness.

I don't know. I have given my ego a little kick by telling it to stop making me feel I am better than others because I am more conformist than rebellious. It is easy to live a straight life - easier still to judge others who don't/


Thursday, August 27, 2015

Core Principles

Everything in life will teach you that what you always thought you were is not true. Of course, you have to be a narcissist like me to dwell on these life lessons. When all truths are subjective then everything has to be based on a set of beliefs.

Something happened to me this last week which has forced me to turn into a sniveling version of myself looking for reconciliation and reconfirmation of who I am as a person. I want to initiate a process of systematic recognizance of what are my core beliefs about who I am as a person. 

1.) I honestly believe that I am good person and every unkind word I have ever uttered, I have taken back with a sense of immediacy. My sister is very good at fighting and she keeps telling me that sometimes you should fight with people. Every time I have attempted to fight I have always lost in more ways than can be understood. This has led me to realize that I am incapable of having a real fight with anyone. So many friends I have lost to time but I want to state it here that I love all of you even today and when I think of you, I only think of all the good things. Sometimes it is hard to remember all the good stuff because it makes the bad stuff stand out in stark relief. It is a defeat of two people who were ultimately good but somehow lost sight of all that goodness in each other. 

2.)  I also believe that I have extreme notions about life. Temperate feelings are not my forte. It makes me a very difficult person to love at times. I want to live my life with this code at least. I don't want to change this about me.  A friend recently told me that I can never be a good friend because I am extremely judgemental. I want to believe that this is not true but maybe I am not the right judge for this. I do have this code of things that I feel I will never do and nothing will force me to do the same. Maybe my extremely sheltered life has not allowed the right motivations to form which could tip me over. I will continue to hold onto my standards and reasons till I find a good enough reason to change my basic character. I want to say to this friend though that while your thought process is allowed to alter when acted upon by an extreme force, there have to be some codes that you follow in your relationships - otherwise what is the point of forming the same ? At least take the time to explain to someone who loves you what has changed to acclimate them to the new situation. I feel that this is love. If I love you and I feel you don't understand me I will make as much effort as I can to make you understand me. Don't judge others while you call them judgemental. 

3.) I think I am not very well equipped to deal with this life. I don't think I am going to be very good at life in that meandering sphere of diplomacy and half truths. I don't want to mask my feelings about anything. This must mean that very often life and people will leave me behind. God has given me the strength to meet new people and live alone. I know I will be alright even if life and people beat me at every turn. At the end of the day, you have to be okay with yourself. You have to know something about you makes sense to you. 

4.) I also believe that I love very honestly and truly. That makes me worth the mind numbing pain I will sometimes cause you. If you let me love you, you won't regret it. God has been very kind to me in always introducing me to extremely amazing people. I would not replace even one of them. They are so kind to me to have put up with me, sometimes humoured me and very often truly loved me for who I am. I admire and respect that about all the people in my life. I am pretty sure I tell these people the same thing all the time so it won't come as a surprise. 

5.) I am very stupid and emotional and sensitive. I wish I could change this about myself but I don't know who I would be if I wasn't this person. I think it is adorable at times how much I have not changed in all these years. Life and God have been very kind to allow me to preserve this part of myself. There have been rude awakenings but they have been few and far in between. Most of the times, they do get sorted. 



I wanted to write this out because sometimes you have to tell yourself that you are alright. Sometimes you have to tell yourself that you cannot help but go on and tell yourself you are not in the wrong, at least for yourself. Only you can sort out your head and accept that sometimes, you cannot go and make people understand that they are wrong about you. You must trust in yourself because it is quite possible that sometimes no one else will. Thankfully that point has not arrived yet. For every dissenter to your behavioral doctrine, be thankful for all those who tell you that you are alright. 

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

How to learn to DEAL.

1.) If someone tries to say nasty things to you say something back. It is quite possible you won't be able to say everything you want but try nonetheless. If you use bad words and bad sentiments it will initiate a solid acid reflux in your stomach.

2.) Now that your stomach lining is partially destroyed, wait for the instigator to reply to your email and use your angry words to justify why  she was right about how much you suck. You are obviously roiling in misery by now because you don't do well in fights no matter how much you try. So write a decent, heartfelt email and try to just say that all conversation should end between the two of you if only to preserve your individual sanity.

3.) The instigator will hopefully read your email and at least ignore you if not completely forgive you.  If the instigator writes back again without reading what you wrote and continues to be malicious then learn that this is not so important anymore. You just take a couple of deep breaths and employ the principle of avoidance. I call this is the Batman-Joker standoff. Remember what the Joker says about his never ending struggle with Batman ? One is incorruptible and indestructible while the other is just a streak of insane intensity.  Nothing will come of this - there will be no resolution here and you do not have to save Gotham (unlike Batman) hence you can let the Joker play his ploy out.

4.)  Try to talk about this to your common friends. They are probably very tired of this just as you are because something keeps happening all the time. So think about talking to them but ultimately don't talk to them - it will make you feel in control of the situation.

5.) Don't take it so much to heart. You have to learn at some point that not everyone you feel warmly towards will feel the same towards you. Just let people be.


6.)  Form a mental revenge plan nonetheless. Have a plan incase your magnanimous and humane endeavor to ignore and avoid does not work.

7.) Be more careful next time with the kind of people you associate with. Sometimes it is better to let people think what they want to think about you rather than make attempts to change it. If they don't know you yet they probably won't ever will.

8.) Imagine an Old Testament form of God's wrath falling on this instigator. Imagine it in gory detail for two minutes because you are right. Then pray to God that  this never happens because you are ultimately a pussy who can't wish people ill. This is why people shit on you - curb this impulse till it becomes manageable.

9.) You want to hold onto morality and a certain code of righteousness. You know you said your piece-  accept your human incapacity to influence how others think. This is a perfect example of two different problems of Existentialism. While you do employ human potential to the fullest (in that you make the effort to write about how you feel and sort things out) it is ultimately thwarted by the arbitrariness of existence (the fact that the instigator does not wish to read what you wrote and insults you for making the effort ) .

10.) Make a list of this process and remember all the other people who love you so much and just for the person you are. At least for now. Maybe some day what the instigator says will come true - no one will love you. Hopefully by that day you would have learnt to love yourself enough that others don't matter so much.

OR

Understand that the instigator is a fucking bitch who did not deserve you ever and she is on that downward spiral which will ultimately lead to her ruination.

Monday, August 10, 2015

Code of Conduct



I recently got into a small fight with one of my really good friends because he was 4 hours late for a scheduled meeting. A bunch of us had been waiting for him for a while and we were all having a good time and his lateness had only caused a mild irritation.

When he did show up though he showed up with this other friend who we all aren't particularly too fond of because of her habit of bitching about all of us to all of us. I was so angry at the boy - not just because he was late but he was late because of her who had stood him up so many times. I didn't feel any anger towards the girl because we all know she will be late and is a little flaky - her behavior was expected.

Suddenly from that moment on I somehow disassociated from that boy completely in my head. I have loved him so much and he is almost like a little brother. He tried several times to talk it over with me but without trying to address the reason for my anger. So we have shifted for the time being , to that realm of polite nonchalance where people who don't necessarily hate each other but used to love each other a lot in the past exist.

Anyway the point of writing this whole story is to give a background to what I ultimately want to address. I have a different code for what's acceptable for men and women. The slightest misdemeanor from a man can have him drop in an instant in the crazy ranking system of friends I have in my head. I cannot understand why I can forgive my girl-friends things which if a guy even talked about doing to me I would never see again. This hypocrisy has to end. While I try to explain that I am not a man-hater, I think I do treat them as second rate citizens in my head. There has to be some parity if not in how you feel and behave towards people then at least in your responses to their behavior.

Accepting is I guess the first step.

My name is Devika and I am a hypocrite. 

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Mutation.

 I was going through some of my older posts today. I went back to the very first post. I guess I hoped I would run into a younger version of myself and feel invigorated.

I found so many unforgivable typos, spelling errors, grammatical mistakes and just things that I never thought I had ever felt. It was weird to see how much my friends used to comment on all of that. I wanted to delete everything or at least edit it. I cannot or rather, I will not do that.

I think I used to have so much to say and I was so proud of myself for making the effort that it didn't bother me that there were typos. I was clearly trying to be a lot of different people. I can see the influence of various friends  in what I was writing.

I value spelling, punctuation and grammar now. I am sure I can still find typos in my recent work but they are far and few compared to the horror I encountered today.

I will preserve that as well. I will not let my shame and my conventionality affect that honest, naive and strong headed girl who had so much to say and the confidence which never allowed others to doubt her as  today I am capable of all by my lonesome. So much for all my correctness and rules.

I really hope I never get famous though. If this blog is discovered my fandom will loathe me.

Here's hoping - to become less judgmental and more accepting of myself and of others. 

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Living Alone

Pros 


  1. Fart as loudly and as much as you want without judgement. Embrace your farts - you can live with them without having to deal with other people's farts or holding your own. Expel your own atmosphere every few hours and revel in it. 
  2. Eat as much and absolutely whatever you want - WHENEVER you want. Nobody is going to tell you that making aloo parathas at 4 in the morning and then eating them is severely unhealthy and bad for you. 
  3. Sleep whenever you want, wherever you want. It's your house and your filth. Your filth is your own- your birthed it. Nobody is going to tell you change the sheets or not sleep 20 hours a day. You went to Safal today, you bought groceries - you earned it babe !
  4. Watch whatever you want on Youtube. Nobody is going to judge you for watching horrible movies on a loop. It's just you and your earphones. Indulge yourself. Adam Sandler or the unbearable hallmark movies - it's your life. 
  5. Just be naked all the time. You are literally a living embodiment of Gaga's 'No Pants' rule. Your house is your nudist beach. 
  6. Smoke wherever, however much you want. Nobody is going to lecture you about passive smoking or worse ask you to share your smokes. 
  7. Wear the same stinky T-shirt everyday (when you do decide to wear anything that is) without a bra. Your body needs no support. 
  8. Just don't leave the house ever. It's a safe environment and everything that you need is already here. 
  9. Spend hours in the toilet/bathroom. It is perfectly acceptable to just converse with yourself when you poop. You only had milk in the fridge today - all you had was two litres of milk- of course you are going to poop ten times now. No body to judge you babe except your raw asshole. 
  10. If something breaks- ignore it. Use that time to day dream and make plans for every possible thing that could happen. Your house, your rules - even if your house is technically paid for by your father. 
CONS 
  1. Having to deal with your extremely judgmental maid. She is going to wake you up and tell on you when your mother comes to visit. Her comments and criticism will cut you like nothing ever has. 
  2. Having to clean your own toilet. 
  3. Having to buy things for yourself. Sometimes you'll forget and then literally there's nothing to eat and because you woke up so late in the night nobody will deliver. 
  4. Wasting so much time that you actually have nightmares about it. You are no longer equipped to live in a decent society. Cue constant cycles of depression. 
  5. Having to put on clothes every time someone rings the bell. 
  6. Killing yourself because of all the smoking. Plus having to clean the house as if after a plague outbreak the moment you hear anyone from your family is coming over. 
  7. Having your boobs start to sag at 24 because no well meaning room mate/mother is available to lecture you on the importance of wearing a bra when a person has boobs your size. 
  8. Losing the ability to communicate with humans because your interactions are limited to your maid and the rude mother dairy guy who sells you milk. 
  9. Developing a shy bladder because it no longer knows how to function when your friend is outside the door of the public restroom. Creates huge difficulties when you are a girl and you always go to the loo in groups. 
  10. Crying over why the freezer door won't work because you never fixed it and wanting to die because the fridge won't function as it is supposed to. 
Prognosis : You are undergoing the process of reverse growth- you are Benjamin Buttoning. 

Sunday, April 12, 2015

The Hue and Cry against Feminism

I don't understand why women are undermining all the good work that Feminists have tried to accomplish over centuries.

Thanks Deepika ! For making women sound shallow and pseudo and making a pseudo-feminist ad like a shampoo commercial.


Saturday, March 7, 2015

I don't think I have felt like this in a long time - that I have so much to say and the need that others join me and speak out. I have never before felt that my self imposed exclusion from social media has hampered my voice and my ability to speak out.

I am obviously speaking out about the documentary made on the Delhi 2012 gang rape. As a student of JNU, which led the protests from the front , I felt I was involved and that it could have been me. I cannot understand why as a country we want to ban this documentary. Neither can I understand why we are supporting this government ban saying things like 'The Britishers have left India, they do not have a right to depict us' or by claiming that the documentary is a maligning of India's image in the world.

Oh India Shining !  You do not want to accept what so many of us fear, what so many of us live with everyday. India is very much what the documentary reflects us to be. We are not a country where this rape was a freak accident. We live with this everyday. I have been living in Delhi for the past six years and I know I have encountered the same men - EVERYWHERE.

Sexism and patriarchy run amok in this vast superior nation of ours. I was once told by one of my own classmates that the reason I got a glowing recommendation from  a male professor was because I am a woman - by someone who himself had reviewed what I had written and told me that it was very well written. In universities like DU and JNU, where Feminism is so on the agenda, we have probably scared our male colleagues into morphing their own sexist views, but no way have they disappeared. If that is the situation I have encountered in an alternate universe that my educational institutions exist in, the situation in the rest of the unafraid and unabashed India is bleakly despondent.

I remember having questions when the rape case was being monitored - why was the victim's name covered ? The parents give an answer in the documentary- her name was Jyoti Singh and they are not afraid who knows it. It was not her fault in any way and coding and decorating the violence that was meted out to her is not okay. She deserves to be more than a symbol which makes men feel better about whatever little they have done to rectify the situation.

I love you so much , all Men - there are so many of you whom I have seen grow up to be the right kind of men , men I have been proud to know. This is not penis envy, or man hating at any level. This is an appeal to accept that what most of you are like in this country and to redouble your efforts at proving that you are not 'it'. Men cannot shy away from making us believe that this is not what all Indian men are like - we have been proving ourselves at every level to every kind of man and every kind of woman (formed in a unique blend of sexism and patriarchal institutions) for years and years. Our life has been difficult at so many levels, it is not too much to ask that you too prove yourself to be better than what ultimately a lot of you are like in this country.

As a smoker, I have encountered glares and odd looks from the local pan wallahs when I want to buy a cigarette- I have changed vendors because I have felt uncomfortable. As much as we want to deny it , life in India is not safe for any woman no matter what she is doing.

I don't know how coherent my thoughts are - I am so angry and so afraid that I CAN FEEL the words slipping as I try to form sentences. I know that this rape atleast, incited anger in not just women but a lot of men , men who were raised right, who figured out that this is not what being a man is. I want to live in a world where  I feel safe, where I do not feel like going out at 11 and returning alone was an 'adventure'.

This is not fair on us - we are not second rate citizens and no matter how much we do to prove we are equal in capacity, our life and the choices we make to live are not equal. We are not free and we are not safe.


I urge you , to watch the documentary, share it, spread it across the world - let it be spread enough that it becomes a part of popular stereotypes about India in the west. Let the Indian stereotype change from cashiers and cab drivers to rapists and sexists - if only to tell Indian men that this is not what they are and to some day be in a position to challenge these stereotypes. I want the word out ,to an extent that feminism has a fighting chance as a reactionary mechanism.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

There are so many different strands of thought running through my mind constantly. I want to make some sort of an organised attempt at understanding the general shifts in how I think as an exercise. My mind is constantly trying to be multiple people at the same time. I am not a life insurance advertisement and it is not cutesy anymore to imagine being prepared to exist as any and every possibility.

 So here is the elaboration - a brand of pessimism co-exists  with every positive hopeful effort at self direction. They are always embroiled in a rather boring  debate continuously trying to disprove the other. Then there is a second impulse to edit and re-write the thought, morphing it into something better structured. This editing impulse I can still understand because I don't necessarily spend too much time thinking the thoughts I want to re-mold. Narcissism comes next. The possibility of being original and interesting, vehemently better than the majority at saying what I am saying. This impulse is immediately followed by a loathsome mocking of said narcissism - in the way that I hated my vagina when I got my period for the first time. It is not in the form of crippling self-doubt  but a blind, seething, almost teenage brand of hatred.Then my mind gives up and gets distracted, going through it all over again with some other idea.

How can someone so constantly contemptuous and simultaneously self-important ever escape the confines of their own  incapacity ?

If I would try to explain it to my mother, she would say I lack focus. If I could just pick one of these impulses, even one of the destructive ones, I could finally arrive at some sort of a personality. I could develop that impulse into a lifestyle. My question however is - how precisely does one choose between all that one simultaneously is ? What are the repercussions of prioritizing one part of yourself over the others and who will bear those repercussions ? I am uniquely afraid of all that I might destroy in the process of choosing.

My irregular attempts at trying to be a person I can be comfortable being  are most disloyal and inconsistent. My life has been spiraling out of control and this spiraling is so ordinary and mundane and safe it makes me want to vomit. I am so dissatisfied with what I am today - almost like a last minute unnecessarily added comma which came after some thought, hoping to distinguish a part but ended up superfluous and therefore is unforgivable. I think this is what it feels like to finally realize how ordinary I am. My decision to not take any risks and just keep going on till I can, have irresolutely locked the sentence of me never understanding the difference between the things I should and shouldn't do because I ended up doing nothing.

Experience is a very big word. A friend of mine recently asked me an extremely impertinent question for anyone in their 20s to ask another person in their 20s - what did I feel was my purpose, ultimately? I think he probably meant to ask me that if I were to force myself to make an imaginary choice and answer that if I could be anything and if the entire universe assisted this endeavor, what did I feel I would want to be? Imagination is not what Peter Pan taught us it would be. It is the imaginary choices which are the toughest to make. I told him the same, and he bemusedly replied that I had probably taken the scary movie advice of 'careful what you wish for !' too much to heart.

When I had started writing I had thought this would end up being a positive exercise. Existential dilemmas are so much 'interesting' than making to-do lists.

The thing is, I am always performing, even for myself. The worst part of never ever being true to yourself is the absolute truth of knowing that you will disappoint yourself. You will ultimately mock your own insincerity , a job which most people require other people to do for them. It would be nice to be able to hate someone else for not 'getting you.'

It should ultimately be easy to choose. It should call out to you and you should be able to listen at some point in your life. Life is passing me by as I keep remembering to make notes under mental postscripts in the 'Advice for my Children' section of my unwritten thought journal.

This reminds of the notes I used to make in school. I always thought that whoever got my notes next year would be so lucky because they were so perfect. They never really helped me because once I finished making them, I never read them again. I was the primordial hunter-gatherer who succumbed to the cruel forces of Nature while some unfortunate stumbled upon my cave of goodies. I hated that stumbler-upon. I thought it was so unfair that I could not be my own senior and stumble upon what I created on and on again in a series of being an older version of myself.

 I have to live my life now.Be someone who is comfortable with herself and the dim light she creates for herself. The creation of this life can only happen when I accept that only I can see by the dim light I have created. Sylvia Plath's fig tree is just not a way to live, especially because she felt and expressed all that I could only ever hope to relate to. Living my life merely echoing her analogy seems just too much of a waste.

So here's my to-do list. I have to at least attempt to figure out some portion of who I am as a person. Life unfortunately is not a Queen's song ('I want it all!') and life purposes are not italicized or ending in exclamation marks to just be grabbed at and gotten . I am not bright enough to be able to justify the hubris in even believing what 'I COULD want all' ultimately implies. Let alone Achilles, I am not  even a Patroclus who could incite an Achilles to avenge her and thus ultimately change the course of destiny. albeit indirectly. If I was in the Iliad, and I attempted any proximity to Achilles, I would probably be the person who died wearing an armour and realized at the last moment that it had never graced the body of an Achilles. The capability to be heroic  or proximity to a hero are both lost along with the painful realization at the time of my imminent destruction that they had never at any moment been within reach.

So right, coming back to my to-do list. I will take small steps and try to make some effort at least in some direction. Life is meaningless but I am not willing to be brave enough to accept it. This is my leap of cowardice. I will not jump  but slowly painfully dismount the vertical wall stretching into infinity below the precipice. I  will crawl downwards, hoping to find some eureka moment during the journey. This is the amount of effort that I am willing to consider. While I cannot completely abandon the precipice, the time has come to distance myself from it. The cliff, as a to-do, must be abandoned.


Now I like myself a little bit after having reached some discernible course of action. As a further impetus, I will connect myself to the now by remembering one horrible thing that happened in the world and be a little better than I was today. For tomorrow I will remember that 10 year old Boko Haram suicide bomber. I will talk to a person tomorrow because that little girl no longer can. I will work on my assignment because she obviously cannot. I will have babies some day because that girl never will. I will not kill myself out of boredom because that girl is dead. In the finality of her choice I will liberate and celebrate my ability to choose and make decisions which can somehow at some point of time be changed because I have time. So to the blabber of those voices in my head which keep me at the edge of the cliff, I will repeat and replay Dory's advice to just keep swimming - simply because I can.
 There are so many different strands of thought running through my mind constantly. I want to make some sort of an organised attempt at understanding the general shifts in how I think as an exercise. My mind is constantly trying to be multiple people at the same time. I am not a life insurance advertisement and it is not cutesy anymore to imagine being prepared to exist as any and every possibility. 

 So here is the elaboration - a brand of pessimism co-exists  with every positive hopeful effort at self direction. They are always embroiled in a rather boring debate continuously trying to disprove the other. Then there is a second impulse to edit and re-write the thought, morphing it into something better structured. This editing impulse I can still understand because I don't necessarily spend too much time thinking the thoughts I want to re-mold. Narcissism comes next. The possibility of being original and interesting, vehemently better than the majority at saying what I am saying. This impulse is immediately followed by a loathsome mocking of said
narcissism - in the way that I hated my vagina when I got my period for the first time. It is not in the form of crippling self-doubt  but a blind, seething almost teenage brand of hatred.








How can someone so constantly contemptuous and simultaneously self-important ever escape the confines of their own  incapacity ? Then my mind gives up and gets 

distracted, going through it all over again with some other idea. 

If I would try to explain it to my mother, she would say I lack focus. If I could just pick one of these impulses, even one of the destructive ones I could finally 

arrive at some sort of a personality. I could develop that impulse into a lifestyle. My question however is - how precisely does one choose between all that one 

simultaneously is ? What are the repercussions of prioritizing one part of yourself over the others and who will bear those repercussions ? I am uniquely afraid of all 

that I might destroy in the process of choosing. 

My irregular attempts at trying to be  a person I can be comfortable being  are most disloyal and inconsistent. My life has been spiraling out of control and this 

spiraling is so ordinary and mundane and safe it makes me want to vomit. I am so dissatisfied with what I am today - almost like a last minute unnecessarily added 

comma which came after some thought, hoping to distinguish a part but ended up superfluous and therefore, unforgivable.I think this is what it feels like to finally 

realize how ordinary I am. My decision to not take any risks and just keep going on till I can, have irresolutely locked the sentence of my never understanding the 

difference between the things I should and shouldn't do because I ended up doing nothing. 

Experience is a very big word. A friend of mine recently asked me an extremely impertinent question for anyone in their 20s to ask another person in their 20s - what 

did I feel was my purpose ultimately ? I think he probably meant to ask me was to force myself to make an imaginary choice and answer that if I could be anything and 

if the entire universe assisted this endeavor what did I feel I would want to be ? Imagination is not what Peter Pan taught us it would be. It is the imaginary choices 

which are the toughest to make. I told him the same , and he told me that I had probably taken the scary movie advice of 'Careful what you wish for !' too much to 

heart. 

When I started writing I had thought this would end up being a positive exercise. Existential dilemmas are so much 'interesting' than making to-do lists. 

The thing is, I am always performing, even for myself. The worst part of never ever being true to yourself is the absolute truth of knowing that you will disappoint 

yourself. You will ultimately mock your own insincerity , a job which most people require other people to do for them. It would be nice to be able to hate someone else 

for not 'getting you .'

It should ultimately be easy to choose. It should call you and you should be able to listen at some point in your life. Life is passing me by as I keep remembering to 

make mental notes in mental postscripts in the 'Advice for my children' section. 

This reminds of the notes I used to make in school. I always thought that whoever got my notes next year would be so lucky because they were so perfect. They never 

really helped me because once I finished making them, I never read them again. I was the primordial hunter-gatherer who succumbed to cruel Nature while some 

unfortunate stumbled upon my cave of goodies. I hated that stumbler-upon. I thought it was so unfair that I could not be my own senior and stumble upon what I created 

on and on again in a series of being an older version of myself. 

 I have to live my life now.Be someone who is comfortable with herself and the dim light she creates for herself. The creation of this life can only happen when I 

accept that only I can see by the dim light I created. Sylvia PLath's fig tre is just not a way to live ,especially because she felt and expressed all that I could 

only hope to relate to. Living my life merely echoing her analogy seems just too much of a waste. 

So here's my to-do list. I have to at least attempt to figure out some portion of who I am as a person. Life unfortunately is not a Queen's song ('I want it all!') and 

life purposes are not italicized or ending in exclamation marks to just be grabbed at and gotten . I am not bright enough to be able to justify the hubris in even 

believing that 'I could want all' ultimately implies. Let alone Achilles, I am not  even a Patroclus who could incite an Achilles to avenge her and thus ultimately 

change the course of destiny. If I was in the Iliad, and I attempted any proximity to Achilles I would probably be the person who died wearing an armour and realized 

at the last moment that it had never graced the body of an Achilles. The capability to be heroic  or proximity to a hero are both lost alongwith the painful 

realization at the time of my imminent destruction that they had never at any moment been within reach. 

So right, coming back to my to-do list. I will take small steps and try to make some effort atleast in some direction. Life is meaningless but I am not willing to be 

brave enough to accept it. This is my leap of cowardice. I will not jump  but slowly painfully dismount the vertical wall stretching into infinity below the precipice. 

I  will crawl downwards, hoping to find some eureka moment during the journey. This is the amount of effort that I am willing to consider. While I cannot completely 

abandon the precipice, the time has come to distance myself from it. The cliff, as a to-do, must be abandoned. 

Now I like myself a little bit after having reached some discernible course of action. As a further impetus, I will connect myself to the now by remembering one 

horrible thing that happened in the world and be a little better than I was today. For tomorrow I will remember that 10 year old Boko Haram suicide bomber. I will talk 

to a person tomorrow because that little girl no longer can. I will work on my assignment because she obviously cannot. I will have babies some day because that girl 

never will. I will not kill myself out of boredom because that girl is dead. In the finality of her choice I will liberate and celebrate my ability to choose and make 

decisions which can somehow at some point of time be changed because I have time. So to the blabber of those voices in my head which keep me at the edge of the cliff, 

I will repeat and replay Dory's advice to just keep swimming - simply because I can.