Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Living Alone


  1. Fart as loudly and as much as you want without judgement. Embrace your farts - you can live with them without having to deal with other people's farts or holding your own. Expel your own atmosphere every few hours and revel in it. 
  2. Eat as much and absolutely whatever you want - WHENEVER you want. Nobody is going to tell you that making aloo parathas at 4 in the morning and then eating them is severely unhealthy and bad for you. 
  3. Sleep whenever you want, wherever you want. It's your house and your filth. Your filth is your own- your birthed it. Nobody is going to tell you change the sheets or not sleep 20 hours a day. You went to Safal today, you bought groceries - you earned it babe !
  4. Watch whatever you want on Youtube. Nobody is going to judge you for watching horrible movies on a loop. It's just you and your earphones. Indulge yourself. Adam Sandler or the unbearable hallmark movies - it's your life. 
  5. Just be naked all the time. You are literally a living embodiment of Gaga's 'No Pants' rule. Your house is your nudist beach. 
  6. Smoke wherever, however much you want. Nobody is going to lecture you about passive smoking or worse ask you to share your smokes. 
  7. Wear the same stinky T-shirt everyday (when you do decide to wear anything that is) without a bra. Your body needs no support. 
  8. Just don't leave the house ever. It's a safe environment and everything that you need is already here. 
  9. Spend hours in the toilet/bathroom. It is perfectly acceptable to just converse with yourself when you poop. You only had milk in the fridge today - all you had was two litres of milk- of course you are going to poop ten times now. No body to judge you babe except your raw asshole. 
  10. If something breaks- ignore it. Use that time to day dream and make plans for every possible thing that could happen. Your house, your rules - even if your house is technically paid for by your father. 
  1. Having to deal with your extremely judgmental maid. She is going to wake you up and tell on you when your mother comes to visit. Her comments and criticism will cut you like nothing ever has. 
  2. Having to clean your own toilet. 
  3. Having to buy things for yourself. Sometimes you'll forget and then literally there's nothing to eat and because you woke up so late in the night nobody will deliver. 
  4. Wasting so much time that you actually have nightmares about it. You are no longer equipped to live in a decent society. Cue constant cycles of depression. 
  5. Having to put on clothes every time someone rings the bell. 
  6. Killing yourself because of all the smoking. Plus having to clean the house as if after a plague outbreak the moment you hear anyone from your family is coming over. 
  7. Having your boobs start to sag at 24 because no well meaning room mate/mother is available to lecture you on the importance of wearing a bra when a person has boobs your size. 
  8. Losing the ability to communicate with humans because your interactions are limited to your maid and the rude mother dairy guy who sells you milk. 
  9. Developing a shy bladder because it no longer knows how to function when your friend is outside the door of the public restroom. Creates huge difficulties when you are a girl and you always go to the loo in groups. 
  10. Crying over why the freezer door won't work because you never fixed it and wanting to die because the fridge won't function as it is supposed to. 
Prognosis : You are undergoing the process of reverse growth- you are Benjamin Buttoning. 


sidspacewalker said...

I love living alone!
And can vouch for all the non-smoking, non-feminine points here.


I am sure it is better for you than it is for me - for a.) you don't smoke so are not killing yourself b.) you are not a woman so sagging boobs is not a concern. The penis doesn't really need support right ?

Thanks for the comment :)