Thursday, August 27, 2015

Core Principles

Everything in life will teach you that what you always thought you were is not true. Of course, you have to be a narcissist like me to dwell on these life lessons. When all truths are subjective then everything has to be based on a set of beliefs.

Something happened to me this last week which has forced me to turn into a sniveling version of myself looking for reconciliation and reconfirmation of who I am as a person. I want to initiate a process of systematic recognizance of what are my core beliefs about who I am as a person. 

1.) I honestly believe that I am good person and every unkind word I have ever uttered, I have taken back with a sense of immediacy. My sister is very good at fighting and she keeps telling me that sometimes you should fight with people. Every time I have attempted to fight I have always lost in more ways than can be understood. This has led me to realize that I am incapable of having a real fight with anyone. So many friends I have lost to time but I want to state it here that I love all of you even today and when I think of you, I only think of all the good things. Sometimes it is hard to remember all the good stuff because it makes the bad stuff stand out in stark relief. It is a defeat of two people who were ultimately good but somehow lost sight of all that goodness in each other. 

2.)  I also believe that I have extreme notions about life. Temperate feelings are not my forte. It makes me a very difficult person to love at times. I want to live my life with this code at least. I don't want to change this about me.  A friend recently told me that I can never be a good friend because I am extremely judgemental. I want to believe that this is not true but maybe I am not the right judge for this. I do have this code of things that I feel I will never do and nothing will force me to do the same. Maybe my extremely sheltered life has not allowed the right motivations to form which could tip me over. I will continue to hold onto my standards and reasons till I find a good enough reason to change my basic character. I want to say to this friend though that while your thought process is allowed to alter when acted upon by an extreme force, there have to be some codes that you follow in your relationships - otherwise what is the point of forming the same ? At least take the time to explain to someone who loves you what has changed to acclimate them to the new situation. I feel that this is love. If I love you and I feel you don't understand me I will make as much effort as I can to make you understand me. Don't judge others while you call them judgemental. 

3.) I think I am not very well equipped to deal with this life. I don't think I am going to be very good at life in that meandering sphere of diplomacy and half truths. I don't want to mask my feelings about anything. This must mean that very often life and people will leave me behind. God has given me the strength to meet new people and live alone. I know I will be alright even if life and people beat me at every turn. At the end of the day, you have to be okay with yourself. You have to know something about you makes sense to you. 

4.) I also believe that I love very honestly and truly. That makes me worth the mind numbing pain I will sometimes cause you. If you let me love you, you won't regret it. God has been very kind to me in always introducing me to extremely amazing people. I would not replace even one of them. They are so kind to me to have put up with me, sometimes humoured me and very often truly loved me for who I am. I admire and respect that about all the people in my life. I am pretty sure I tell these people the same thing all the time so it won't come as a surprise. 

5.) I am very stupid and emotional and sensitive. I wish I could change this about myself but I don't know who I would be if I wasn't this person. I think it is adorable at times how much I have not changed in all these years. Life and God have been very kind to allow me to preserve this part of myself. There have been rude awakenings but they have been few and far in between. Most of the times, they do get sorted. 

I wanted to write this out because sometimes you have to tell yourself that you are alright. Sometimes you have to tell yourself that you cannot help but go on and tell yourself you are not in the wrong, at least for yourself. Only you can sort out your head and accept that sometimes, you cannot go and make people understand that they are wrong about you. You must trust in yourself because it is quite possible that sometimes no one else will. Thankfully that point has not arrived yet. For every dissenter to your behavioral doctrine, be thankful for all those who tell you that you are alright. 

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

How to learn to DEAL.

1.) If someone tries to say nasty things to you say something back. It is quite possible you won't be able to say everything you want but try nonetheless. If you use bad words and bad sentiments it will initiate a solid acid reflux in your stomach.

2.) Now that your stomach lining is partially destroyed, wait for the instigator to reply to your email and use your angry words to justify why  she was right about how much you suck. You are obviously roiling in misery by now because you don't do well in fights no matter how much you try. So write a decent, heartfelt email and try to just say that all conversation should end between the two of you if only to preserve your individual sanity.

3.) The instigator will hopefully read your email and at least ignore you if not completely forgive you.  If the instigator writes back again without reading what you wrote and continues to be malicious then learn that this is not so important anymore. You just take a couple of deep breaths and employ the principle of avoidance. I call this is the Batman-Joker standoff. Remember what the Joker says about his never ending struggle with Batman ? One is incorruptible and indestructible while the other is just a streak of insane intensity.  Nothing will come of this - there will be no resolution here and you do not have to save Gotham (unlike Batman) hence you can let the Joker play his ploy out.

4.)  Try to talk about this to your common friends. They are probably very tired of this just as you are because something keeps happening all the time. So think about talking to them but ultimately don't talk to them - it will make you feel in control of the situation.

5.) Don't take it so much to heart. You have to learn at some point that not everyone you feel warmly towards will feel the same towards you. Just let people be.

6.)  Form a mental revenge plan nonetheless. Have a plan incase your magnanimous and humane endeavor to ignore and avoid does not work.

7.) Be more careful next time with the kind of people you associate with. Sometimes it is better to let people think what they want to think about you rather than make attempts to change it. If they don't know you yet they probably won't ever will.

8.) Imagine an Old Testament form of God's wrath falling on this instigator. Imagine it in gory detail for two minutes because you are right. Then pray to God that  this never happens because you are ultimately a pussy who can't wish people ill. This is why people shit on you - curb this impulse till it becomes manageable.

9.) You want to hold onto morality and a certain code of righteousness. You know you said your piece-  accept your human incapacity to influence how others think. This is a perfect example of two different problems of Existentialism. While you do employ human potential to the fullest (in that you make the effort to write about how you feel and sort things out) it is ultimately thwarted by the arbitrariness of existence (the fact that the instigator does not wish to read what you wrote and insults you for making the effort ) .

10.) Make a list of this process and remember all the other people who love you so much and just for the person you are. At least for now. Maybe some day what the instigator says will come true - no one will love you. Hopefully by that day you would have learnt to love yourself enough that others don't matter so much.


Understand that the instigator is a fucking bitch who did not deserve you ever and she is on that downward spiral which will ultimately lead to her ruination.

Monday, August 10, 2015

Code of Conduct

I recently got into a small fight with one of my really good friends because he was 4 hours late for a scheduled meeting. A bunch of us had been waiting for him for a while and we were all having a good time and his lateness had only caused a mild irritation.

When he did show up though he showed up with this other friend who we all aren't particularly too fond of because of her habit of bitching about all of us to all of us. I was so angry at the boy - not just because he was late but he was late because of her who had stood him up so many times. I didn't feel any anger towards the girl because we all know she will be late and is a little flaky - her behavior was expected.

Suddenly from that moment on I somehow disassociated from that boy completely in my head. I have loved him so much and he is almost like a little brother. He tried several times to talk it over with me but without trying to address the reason for my anger. So we have shifted for the time being , to that realm of polite nonchalance where people who don't necessarily hate each other but used to love each other a lot in the past exist.

Anyway the point of writing this whole story is to give a background to what I ultimately want to address. I have a different code for what's acceptable for men and women. The slightest misdemeanor from a man can have him drop in an instant in the crazy ranking system of friends I have in my head. I cannot understand why I can forgive my girl-friends things which if a guy even talked about doing to me I would never see again. This hypocrisy has to end. While I try to explain that I am not a man-hater, I think I do treat them as second rate citizens in my head. There has to be some parity if not in how you feel and behave towards people then at least in your responses to their behavior.

Accepting is I guess the first step.

My name is Devika and I am a hypocrite.