Tuesday, September 15, 2015

How to Make Life YOUR Bitch.

1.) Sleep at normal times. Sleeping at 8 in the morning is only setting yourself up for failure.

2.) Sleep less. It is abnormal to sleep 12 hours a day.

3.) Stop obsessing about sleeping.

4.) When you smoke the last cigarette from the pack, don't make plans to quit immediately. You know you won't. This is probably why your lungs need all that sleep to try to salvage the damage your 12 hour routine of smoking a day has caused.

5.)  If you buy a papaya, then eat it. How many papayas will you throw out ? The guy who empties your trash can is judging you. STOP BUYING PAPAYAS.

6.) If you decide that it is time to collect your Bachelors degree from LSR then do it that very day. A 10 km journey should not take you a month to plan and finding a Neverland where it is executed.

7.) Don't plan on going on a diet. You know you won't do it. Who do you meet anyway ?

8.) Check your bank account balance BEFORE sending Pushpak a strongly worded message for losing your stipend form. He won't ever submit forms for you again otherwise.

9.) If you have a sweet ride like your amazing yellow Vespa - then drive it somewhere other than Mother Dairy.

10.) You will never clean your Vespa. Invest in that guy who comes to clean other people's cars and pay him to do it for you.

11.) Stop downloading reading lists. You know you won't go beyond downloading the list. Unless it is a reading list completely unrelated to coursework.

12.) When you meet Professor Nafey next - do not portray yourself as someone who is capable of meeting deadlines. CALL RICHA and co ordinate. The day she submits her work should be your deadline for procrastinating and at least starting research.

13.) Stop making wishlists on Amazon. Nobody is going to buy you all those things.

14.) Stop imagining scenarios where you drop dead. It is not going to happen and therefore all the other secondary stuff has to be dealt with.

15.) Stop telling your parents that you have nothing to talk about. They will only call you more.

16.) Stop youtubing 'Horrible Parenting' after not talking to your parents properly. It will start a guilt trip which you don't want to deal with. Your parents are too good to be true and you do not deserve them.

17.) Stop telling your sister that you will save money and buy her something expensive for her birthday from your measly stipend. You know you will spend it on books.

18.) Go and get a job. Seriously.

19.) Evaluate how badly you will fail when you actually do get a job. Convince parents that investing in VLCC is better than paying for the quadruple degree you are on. GET MARRIED. Beg some old friend who makes money to fund you for the rest of your life in return for you writing all their future kids' essays.

20.) Stop letting your mustache get out of control. It completely inhibits the go getter attitude you should be cultivating.

21.) Stop trying to be a part of popular culture. YOU STARTED TOO LATE. You won't be able to catch up.

22.) Fuck **** *****. Also write the bitch's full name. Stop being such a pussy.

23.) Stop having ambiguous feelings about people who clearly hate you.

24.)  Make better lists - like grocery lists so that your maid doesn't give you the stink eye for there being no Lizol in the house.

25.) Stop posting on Google Plus. Don't try to latch onto the vestiges of social networking when you have been such a bitch about it to every well meaning person who told you to join Whatsapp and Facebook.

26.) Stop writing answers on Quora about JNU. Kids keep writing to you for advice then and what the fuck do you know about anything ?

27.)  Be spontaneous ! Don't plan things to the tee. You know the more you plan, greater are the chances of you bailing out on the plan. Just be a maverick.

28.) Stop watching stuff and then researching the pop references you don't know and re watching/re-reading the ones you do. Nobody cares if you don't know Top Gun by heart.

29.) Stop discovering music - there is no point. This is not your area of expertise.

30.)  Stop your obsession with even numbers in lists. If you don't have a point to make, don't just write anything so that the list looks more thought out than it actually is. NOBODY READS THIS STUFF. 


ਅ.ਪ.ਸ. said...

Ambiguity is the best. It is what keeps me from murdering people, and I am forever grateful.


Hey ! I am trying to cultivate strong impulses man ! Murderous rage will lead to a certain level of activity I feel.

Also - please write a blog ! Your comments are always so funny and I am intrigued about the possibilities a blog could end up revealing

ਅ.ਪ.ਸ. said...

Funny is not how people describe me. Not that I go around asking people to describe me. That would require extensive social skills and enough narcissism to defeat a lifetime of cultivated tardiness.

Morbid, with a side of obnoxiousness is more like it. If you find morbid obnoxiousness funny, the joke's on you my friend, much like all the papayas you threw out.

Heavy is the butt which accumulates cellulite and expectations of being funny. Cue fart joke for comic relief. Fin.


I still find the comment funny - unlike all the papayas I threw out.

Also cellulite heavy butt just rings too close to the truth for it to not be funny.

Just saying . I would read that blog.