Thursday, December 31, 2015

New Year

I genuinely feel as if I am a proper adult today. I had a cake delivered and cut it all by myself for new year while watching some old ass hindi movies I have already seen. It was strangely rewarding.

I had been talking to Asnah about how much 2015 had sucked. I couldn't think of one proper good thing that had happened to me all through the year. Now that the new year is finally here I don't want to think of 2015 so badly. There were some things which I am really thankful for and I will write them down for the purposes of always reminding myself that they happened this year and it wasn't as much of a crap fest as I would like to think.

1.) My parents have continued being as awesome as they always have been despite my seriously dodgy hopes about my future. I hope I can be a source of greater happiness to them this year and ease their burden of unrequited awesomeness.
My sister too continues to be the amazing alpha female in my life. Thanks for getting so angry when people fought with me and for believing so much in my capabilities especially when I have zero faith in them. Thank you also for loving your birthday gift so much. I hope I start making money soon so that I can get you bigger and better gifts. I hope this new year brings you a new person.

2.) My friends. When I try to think very hard I realize that mostly I am extremely thankful for all my friends this year. I will write this in great detail so that I acknowledge all this goodness in some way. I will take names and avoid all attempts at being cryptic.

a.) Isha Singh: Hey Isha. We are not friends any more and you made me so miserable for at least 2 months. The year started  great when we finally resolved the fight that we had last year which was so small compared to the fight we now have had. I remember being so happy that we were friends again because I could never have imagined you not being in my life. Unfortunately, that track didn't last and you said so many things to me which even if I wanted to, I could never be friends with you again. I want to tell those many memories of you that I have in my head that I cherish them even today because I understand why you hate me. I hope life gets easier for you and you find people whom you can approve of. I truly did love you so much and I tried my best. I know one day you will be this crazy successful author and trust me I will tell people very proudly that we learnt how to rhyme together and we used to walk around in the loreto field after english exams discussing our essays. I hope you know that I truly think you are a good person but we cannot be friends anymore because you have hurt me too much and I don't want to be in that state of vulnerability anymore. I don't hate you however. I know you called my house some weeks back. Please don't do that. I cannot rehash anything with you and if it was an accusatory call, I don't have the energy to fight anymore and if it was a re-conciliatory call I just want to tell you that is not possible at least not now because it will be very difficult for me to trust you again. I know you don't wish me ill - I hope so at least. Even if you do I am sure you have your reasons and I understand them. I don't mind that you hate me - it is okay. It is also okay that you have never loved me, I am a difficult person to like I feel.
I want to thank you even for all the fighting however - every time you fight with me it feels as if my entire world comes crumbling down and I introspect a lot. Because of the horrible and ugly fights we have had in the past two years, I am friends again with Rohit, with Siddhant and with Saumya. I have also grown closer to everyone I still have in my life because it has tempered me. You know if someone had told me that out of all the friends I have made in my life you were the one who would no longer be in my life I would not have believed it at all So strong as a personal force you have been in my life however that even when you take me down you help me so much. My friendship with Rohit is one of the most important personal relationships I have ever had with another human being. It would not have happened probably if I was not so completely shaken up after fighting with you. It made me more malleable and I cannot thank you enough for it. It is because of the fight I had with you that I realized how much I care about Siddhant and that is why after so many years of fighting, arguing and angsty love hangover I am finally in such a good place with him - you have no idea what you helped me solve. After my fight with you, one day I randomly went on facebook and Saumya Kumar sent me a message and because of my fight with you I was able to embrace that message with the joy it deserved rather than remembering whatever silly reason it was that we lost touch. I found out her father passed away and it made me feel so horrible that something so terrible had happened in her life and I wasn;t around. So while it broke my heart when you said all those things, those things helped me nonetheless. I wish you well.

b.) Rohit : I think this relationship has finally reached a place where words are becoming difficult. One very specific nice thing that you did recently was when you called me on my birthday taking into account not only the time difference but that fact that you had a meeting. Your respect of my neurosis has touched me deeply. So thanks for that Rou.

c.) Pranjal : thank you for liking the book I sent you on your birthday - it was a big load off. Even though you forgot my birthday, and rohit had to remind you that call with you was the best call I had all day. Again with the loss of words thing. Thank you also for sending me the books I wanted without all the drama that Rohit does EVERY YEAR.

d.) Siddhant: Thank you for all the Poulomi news you keep giving me and reminding me of all the tragic school memories  :P. Us being friends is one of the nicest things that have happened this year and I am grateful. I know we are probably never going to become best friends but it is nice to know that if I would suddenly run into you in the street it would not be awkward and it would not be sudden because I would know of your plans of coming to  India. Also thank you for starting work at Microsoft because you and Rohit being together is my post class 12th vision coming alive one piece at a time. Also thank you for wishing Saumya for me.

e.) Did Trishla get married this year ? If yes then thanks Anant for that call you made from Lucknow. It was SO NICE to hear from you.

f.) Stuti: Thank you for marrying someone we went to school with and for not having changed and for all the gyan you gave me about the importance of wedding.

G.) Saumya : All my prayers go out to you girl because I know how shitty your year has been. I am really thankful for talking to you again after all these years and relating. Thanks for that facebook friend request- it resolved a very important relationship which had gone kaput.


Now my Loreto gang

a.) Garima : thank you for coming down to see me when I was losing my mind over the entire Isha debacle and telling me that not all the bad things were true and that you loved me. I will never be able to explain how much that helped.Thank you for being so excited about my birthday and liking my sister so much. You have no idea how amazing I think you are and you never will because I will bully you till you are dead.

b.) Mariyam : thanks for those long random text conversations we end up having. Also thank you for sending me funny pictures of people we went to school with. Thank you for telling me I am being boring and shaking me out of my research scholar stupor.  Our 3 hour phone conversation on my birthday totally made up for the fact that I was all alone for the first 10 hours of my birthday in all 25 years of my life. You have no idea how your ability to always love gossip and not give any due attention to my serious concerns about being depressed help.

c.) Arushi : thank you for being so excited about me coming to Bombay even when I cancelled. Thank you also for not forgetting my birthday. Thank you for the messages you sent even when I know you didn't give two shits about the issue. Thanks also for that cute guy picture on your profile which made me 2 hours facebook stint so much fun. I love you. I hope I see you soon, it really has been too long.

d.) Maam Seth : thanks ma'am for calling on my birthday like always and agreeing with my fears of having peaked too soon. Thanks also for listening to me say fuck a lot and being so cool as to forget  you once punished me for saying shit


My LSR girls

a.) Farnaaz: thanks for the big news you told us this year and for being your amazing self on my birthday,planning everything and handling my sister when she got drunk. Thank you also for the amazing mac lipstick. I will wear it on the big event.

b.) Ramla: thanks for taking so warmly to my Viber group idea. I am so happy to know that we all have so much to talk about even though we haven;t met in 3 years. That 4 hours phone call we had around your birthday was marvelous. I love you Rum bug.

c.) Asnah: there are no words to describe how much I love you and how much it helps me live my life to send you those daily messages on whatever tech platform I feel I can hide myself on. This is going to be our year Asnah. I truly believe you will read at least 30 books this year. Love you Snaaaaaaaaaahhh


a.) Nikhil : thanks Niksi especially for taking my away that time when I was angry with SImon and for not leaving me at the mercy of autowallahs at 12 in the night. That was the day I realized how strong our bond really is. Thank you also for always buying me whatever souvenir I tell you to and never forgetting. Also thank you for coming to my house to see me and for not giving up on my lazy ass.

b.) Simon : thank you for that big fight I picked with you SImon and for talking to me for hours and wooing me till I was ready to accept that I was being stupid. Also thank you for random virtual kisses you send on gtalk they make my day. I will be seeing you soon and I am sooooo excited !!!

and now for the one true Isha in my life

Dear Juds, thank you for not caring how many times I whine and for always assuaging all my fears about being a morose companion. Thank you also for that really nice almora hash you stole from purab on my birthday. Best maal I have ever smoked. Thanks for coming to my house to visit me and for watching tamasha with me. Thanks for not getting offended about the number of times I keep saying how perfect your life is.  I will see and we will get you that god awful hair cut you want day after.


Here's hoping for a better and more exciting new year, with hopefully no more fights and no more resolutions. Sending you all good vibes via the internet.


sidspacewalker said...

I feel happy about what happened last year too. And thank you for mentioning me. (I admit I only read the intro then the part about me. I will get to the whole thing soon :p)


Look at us ! So polite and grown up ! And here too - the site of so many battles and cryptic clues.

I honestly didn't expect anyone to read it but I am happy you started the new year featuring in the finality of the written word (and publicly published written word at that) in someone else's journal. What I wouldn't give to see someone else write nice things about me and then read them !

Hope you're having fun in Seattle. I am so jealous. Give Rohu a big hug from my side.