Everything in life will teach you that what you always thought you were is not true. Of course, you have to be a narcissist like me to dwell on these life lessons. When all truths are subjective then everything has to be based on a set of beliefs.
Something happened to me this last week which has forced me to turn into a sniveling version of myself looking for reconciliation and reconfirmation of who I am as a person. I want to initiate a process of systematic recognizance of what are my core beliefs about who I am as a person.
1.) I honestly believe that I am good person and every unkind word I have ever uttered, I have taken back with a sense of immediacy. My sister is very good at fighting and she keeps telling me that sometimes you should fight with people. Every time I have attempted to fight I have always lost in more ways than can be understood. This has led me to realize that I am incapable of having a real fight with anyone. So many friends I have lost to time but I want to state it here that I love all of you even today and when I think of you, I only think of all the good things. Sometimes it is hard to remember all the good stuff because it makes the bad stuff stand out in stark relief. It is a defeat of two people who were ultimately good but somehow lost sight of all that goodness in each other.
2.) I also believe that I have extreme notions about life. Temperate feelings are not my forte. It makes me a very difficult person to love at times. I want to live my life with this code at least. I don't want to change this about me. A friend recently told me that I can never be a good friend because I am extremely judgemental. I want to believe that this is not true but maybe I am not the right judge for this. I do have this code of things that I feel I will never do and nothing will force me to do the same. Maybe my extremely sheltered life has not allowed the right motivations to form which could tip me over. I will continue to hold onto my standards and reasons till I find a good enough reason to change my basic character. I want to say to this friend though that while your thought process is allowed to alter when acted upon by an extreme force, there have to be some codes that you follow in your relationships - otherwise what is the point of forming the same ? At least take the time to explain to someone who loves you what has changed to acclimate them to the new situation. I feel that this is love. If I love you and I feel you don't understand me I will make as much effort as I can to make you understand me. Don't judge others while you call them judgemental.
3.) I think I am not very well equipped to deal with this life. I don't think I am going to be very good at life in that meandering sphere of diplomacy and half truths. I don't want to mask my feelings about anything. This must mean that very often life and people will leave me behind. God has given me the strength to meet new people and live alone. I know I will be alright even if life and people beat me at every turn. At the end of the day, you have to be okay with yourself. You have to know something about you makes sense to you.
4.) I also believe that I love very honestly and truly. That makes me worth the mind numbing pain I will sometimes cause you. If you let me love you, you won't regret it. God has been very kind to me in always introducing me to extremely amazing people. I would not replace even one of them. They are so kind to me to have put up with me, sometimes humoured me and very often truly loved me for who I am. I admire and respect that about all the people in my life. I am pretty sure I tell these people the same thing all the time so it won't come as a surprise.
5.) I am very stupid and emotional and sensitive. I wish I could change this about myself but I don't know who I would be if I wasn't this person. I think it is adorable at times how much I have not changed in all these years. Life and God have been very kind to allow me to preserve this part of myself. There have been rude awakenings but they have been few and far in between. Most of the times, they do get sorted.
I wanted to write this out because sometimes you have to tell yourself that you are alright. Sometimes you have to tell yourself that you cannot help but go on and tell yourself you are not in the wrong, at least for yourself. Only you can sort out your head and accept that sometimes, you cannot go and make people understand that they are wrong about you. You must trust in yourself because it is quite possible that sometimes no one else will. Thankfully that point has not arrived yet. For every dissenter to your behavioral doctrine, be thankful for all those who tell you that you are alright.