Tuesday, September 15, 2015

How to Make Life YOUR Bitch.



1.) Sleep at normal times. Sleeping at 8 in the morning is only setting yourself up for failure.

2.) Sleep less. It is abnormal to sleep 12 hours a day.

3.) Stop obsessing about sleeping.

4.) When you smoke the last cigarette from the pack, don't make plans to quit immediately. You know you won't. This is probably why your lungs need all that sleep to try to salvage the damage your 12 hour routine of smoking a day has caused.

5.)  If you buy a papaya, then eat it. How many papayas will you throw out ? The guy who empties your trash can is judging you. STOP BUYING PAPAYAS.

6.) If you decide that it is time to collect your Bachelors degree from LSR then do it that very day. A 10 km journey should not take you a month to plan and finding a Neverland where it is executed.

7.) Don't plan on going on a diet. You know you won't do it. Who do you meet anyway ?

8.) Check your bank account balance BEFORE sending Pushpak a strongly worded message for losing your stipend form. He won't ever submit forms for you again otherwise.

9.) If you have a sweet ride like your amazing yellow Vespa - then drive it somewhere other than Mother Dairy.

10.) You will never clean your Vespa. Invest in that guy who comes to clean other people's cars and pay him to do it for you.

11.) Stop downloading reading lists. You know you won't go beyond downloading the list. Unless it is a reading list completely unrelated to coursework.

12.) When you meet Professor Nafey next - do not portray yourself as someone who is capable of meeting deadlines. CALL RICHA and co ordinate. The day she submits her work should be your deadline for procrastinating and at least starting research.

13.) Stop making wishlists on Amazon. Nobody is going to buy you all those things.

14.) Stop imagining scenarios where you drop dead. It is not going to happen and therefore all the other secondary stuff has to be dealt with.

15.) Stop telling your parents that you have nothing to talk about. They will only call you more.

16.) Stop youtubing 'Horrible Parenting' after not talking to your parents properly. It will start a guilt trip which you don't want to deal with. Your parents are too good to be true and you do not deserve them.

17.) Stop telling your sister that you will save money and buy her something expensive for her birthday from your measly stipend. You know you will spend it on books.

18.) Go and get a job. Seriously.

19.) Evaluate how badly you will fail when you actually do get a job. Convince parents that investing in VLCC is better than paying for the quadruple degree you are on. GET MARRIED. Beg some old friend who makes money to fund you for the rest of your life in return for you writing all their future kids' essays.

20.) Stop letting your mustache get out of control. It completely inhibits the go getter attitude you should be cultivating.

21.) Stop trying to be a part of popular culture. YOU STARTED TOO LATE. You won't be able to catch up.

22.) Fuck **** *****. Also write the bitch's full name. Stop being such a pussy.

23.) Stop having ambiguous feelings about people who clearly hate you.

24.)  Make better lists - like grocery lists so that your maid doesn't give you the stink eye for there being no Lizol in the house.

25.) Stop posting on Google Plus. Don't try to latch onto the vestiges of social networking when you have been such a bitch about it to every well meaning person who told you to join Whatsapp and Facebook.

26.) Stop writing answers on Quora about JNU. Kids keep writing to you for advice then and what the fuck do you know about anything ?

27.)  Be spontaneous ! Don't plan things to the tee. You know the more you plan, greater are the chances of you bailing out on the plan. Just be a maverick.

28.) Stop watching stuff and then researching the pop references you don't know and re watching/re-reading the ones you do. Nobody cares if you don't know Top Gun by heart.

29.) Stop discovering music - there is no point. This is not your area of expertise.

30.)  Stop your obsession with even numbers in lists. If you don't have a point to make, don't just write anything so that the list looks more thought out than it actually is. NOBODY READS THIS STUFF. 

Saturday, September 12, 2015

Raison d'ĂȘtre

I have been thinking recently about why people do things and what the purpose of morality really is. Are there actually certain things that are better than others ? I am not talking about the big questions of murder and rape but rather about the smaller things that people believe in - you know stuff like not dating a friend's significant someone, cheating on them or selling out silly little things about your friend to someone else.

I used to think that people are naturally inclined to be born a certain way - where some just are good and the others are bad. I would pat myself on the back for the irreparable straightness I have always been plagued with about 'feelings'. I abhor confusion and anyone who confuses me I automatically don't like. I like feeling about people in clear bands of light. Not to say that I expect people to adhere to certain types but I have always sort of liked to feel a particular way about someone. Some people just invoke a particular feeling in you. You can have fights or discover new and confusing behavior but they still invoke that same feeling in you. This has allowed me to be very clear cut in the time  and what I allow myself to think about/of other people.

Of course there are general trends of behavior. For example, if anyone calls you crying , no matter if you aren't very good friends with them or even hate them , I always listen and try to offer solutions. I am polite to strangers and exist somewhere in the spectrum the word 'nice' represents.

I have however realized that it is not because of some inherent quality that people behave in particular way but because it is easier to accept the socialization of feeling. You feel rewarded when your subconscious evaluates you on that scale of social behavior it has been conditioned to accept as acceptable. To be a mean person or a selfish person  is actually an act of rebellion. You might, over time, socialize your subconscious to enjoy this little act of terror on others but that first time it must hurt to go against everything you know and it must take courage.

I have very strong views on relationships - mostly because I have never been in a real relationship. I know that cheating is unacceptable. I would never forgive someone who cheats on me - not because I don't think that love cannot die but because that act of going behind someone's back and then telling them and claiming it was out of love is just too self important. When you tell someone that 'Hey! I cheated on you and I am so sorry and I love you so much' it is not for the person you are telling - you want to stop your subconscious regurgitating social guilt in your head. You want to protect yourself, not the other person. People would be so much happier if they just told the other person that listen I don't think I am attracted to you anymore. It would obviously involve constantly evaluating your feelings towards others but at least this way you are embracing what is good about self absorbed-ness.

I don't know. I have given my ego a little kick by telling it to stop making me feel I am better than others because I am more conformist than rebellious. It is easy to live a straight life - easier still to judge others who don't/