Friday, November 11, 2016

How to: BE COOL

1.) Don't write sentimental 500 word essays as thank you notes to your friends. You are overwhelming them with your feelings and caring this much is really not chill.

2.) Don't tell your most stoical friend that when he leaves your heart breaks into a million pieces. He is a new age yogi - he will disassociate from you because you represent all the trappings of the material world.

3.) Because you have been writing all these letters full of feelings and sentiment, you have effectually become the mom friend and while the world might bear you, you have immediately become the dowdiest of all possible friends. Your refusal to smoke up in public because you feel sleepy and asking for sada pani everywhere because you have a hacking cough make you more momsy than ever.

4.) Try to appear disinterested and disengaged. Your ability to care makes you so uncool so fast that they will soon use parts of your tissue for central heating devices.

5.) Don't be so fat that the only clothes you can buy in your size are suits. Your obesity and kurta wearing girlyness undo the sexy, cool coyness you should be inspiring in men all around you.

6.) When your friend comes over for a sleepover don't randomly cut her conversation to tell her how much you love her. You are such a stalker and that is really not cool.

7.) When you are trying to pretend that you are a homespun intellectual, don't take copious notes in every lecture. People think you care too much and even in JNU that is not cool. Mental memorisation has never been more important.

8.) When you are sharing a cigarette don't try to suck the life out of that cigarette and don't show your poverty by smoking till the absolute butt of the cigarette. While others may not realise it, you know that you live in a world where smoking is no longer cool and poverty definitely isn't.

9.) When your mother asks you whether you want anything from home, don't tell her that you don't have garam masala and chai patti. She will pack those in your luggage and loudly announce in the train compartment where exactly she placed it. Being this much of a grahisti jodu aunty is not cool. Also having so much luggage that your mother has to help you pack is not cool.

10.) When you meet naive, pretty but clueless girls on the train who have no idea what a rapist's paradise Delhi is despite having lived in the city for years, don't escort them to their houses and take care of them. This kind of didi knows best behavior makes you appear so much older and you are ultimately aging your vagina by a century.

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