Thursday, April 6, 2017

If Life were a Historical Romance

1.) The virgin female character would suddenly be assailed by extraordinary male attention, which is mostly respectful and though the entire social sphere has agreed that the virgin is not pretty, she has that special something which men like and women don't. Ladies in historical romances be bitchy y'all.

2.) Though the virgin lady is predominantly a virgin, she is the mould for quirky and she is often found roaming around wearing breeches. The breeches are important because her butt is always heart shaped and always produces both lust and territorial pissing contests within the male lead.

3.) As we have already established the virginity, it behooves one to understand that the female's sexual awakening is just around the corner and the moment she lies with the very experienced rake of a male lead, it is immediately the best sex of the man's life and he is transformed to monogamy forever.

4.) While the female is untouched and pure, and generally living in an asexual pastoral world, the man is always 'devilishly handsome' and 'sinfully experienced' and a 'rake' waiting to be reformed. He is also gifted at charming all women, but has a radar where he avoids the large-breasted truly evil bitch of London society. This endears him even more to the virgin, who appreciates his uncanny eye and true insight.

5.) The rake immediately renounces all previous sexual preferences and will always muse to himself in an internal monologue how the virgin's breasts are small but 'made to fit in his hands' and how during 'coupling' their 'bodies fit together.' All initial attempts at sex will end in this attentive rake satisfying the virgin and claiming that that was enough.

6.) One or the other of the leads is always rich and has access to money, power and is friends with someone who has all the social connections required. There are ample secondary characters who help this couple along the way and often reference their historical knowledge of the meant togetherness. These leads will eventually find their own orgasmic happy ever afters in sequels or prequels.

7.) There is always great albeit alterable conflict involving kidnapping, duelling, fighting and misplaced letters. The lead is never raped, and oftentimes will assist in her recovery because her quirkiness is desperately trying to establish her as anything other than a damsel, though she will often talk about the 'growling' tone of the rake when he talks to her.

8.) There is so much adorable fighting which always ends in kissing and no body ever remembers all the bad stuff that was said. Kissing causes amnesia.

9.) The couples always marry because something forced their hand but they secretly want it and though all they do is have sex (though never anal and while the rake goes down on the virgin a lot, the virgin despite her curiosity to 'please', never really has to give a blow job) , the virgin never dies in childbirth and everyone is super happy about the prospect of constant babies.

10.) The most important thing remains that while women are allowed to exist on a spectrum of beauty, the men are always handsome, sexually expedient and rich as well as wanting to save and be saved. They are faithful, infinitely attentive and blessed with insight though overzealously jealous - but it is okay, the virgin never assumes that his behavior might be abusive because she KNOWS he loves her. This is precisely why loss of her virginity will not hurt because you know LOVE.


Let no one doubt I did not do my research. 

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